'My wife is extremely sensitive to certain things I do. I feel like I can't relax or be myself.' UPDATED (2 WEEKS LATER)
"My (30M) wife (32F) is extremely sensitive to certain things I do, and I'm starting to feel like I can't relax or be myself around her. How do we navigate this?"
My wife and I have been married for just a few months. Overall, our marriage has been great. We love each other, have very little conflict, and genuinely enjoy spending time together. However, there's a recurring issue that's starting to weigh on me, and I'm not sure how to handle it.
My wife is a very sensitive person, particularly when it comes to certain sounds, behaviors, and situations. I understand that she doesn't choose to be bothered by these things, but I'm starting to feel like I'm constantly having to monitor myself to avoid upsetting her. For example, I really enjoy watching sports.
Sometimes when something exciting happens, I'll let out a celebratory yell or cheer. I'm not screaming at the top of my lungs, and I'm certainly not yelling in anger. In fact, I'd say I'm significantly quieter than the average enthusiastic sports fan. But my wife really dislikes yelling of any kind. She says it scares her and that her brain can't distinguish between happy, excited yelling and angry yelling.
Whenever I do this, even unintentionally, she seems genuinely shaken by it. I immediately feel guilty and ashamed, like I've done something terrible, even though I was just expressing excitement over a game. It's gotten to the point where I feel like I have to suppress my natural reactions while watching sports. The problem is that this seems to be part of a larger pattern.
She has misophonia, so she's extremely bothered by chewing sounds. I've made a conscious effort to chew more quietly, keep my mouth closed, and avoid making unnecessary noises, but I still occasionally make sounds while eating. When she points them out, I feel embarrassed and start overthinking every bite.
Another example is when we're relaxing on the couch. Sometimes my shirt rides up or gets bunched up, exposing a little of my stomach. For some reason, this really bothers her, and she'll ask me to fix it or sometimes physically adjust my shirt herself. It's such a small thing to me, but I feel like even the way I'm sitting comfortably on my own couch is something I need to be conscious of.
Another issue is my need for occasional alone time. I'm someone who enjoys spending time by myself to decompress, whether that's painting, relaxing, or just collecting my thoughts. Sometimes I'll want to go downstairs to the basement for a little while.
However, she associates this behavior with her dad, who apparently used to retreat to the basement when he was angry. Because of that, when I go downstairs, she sometimes feels like I'm upset with her, even when I've explained that I'm not. I understand why she might have that association, but it puts me in a difficult position. If I go downstairs, I worry that I'm upsetting her.
If I don't, I sometimes feel overwhelmed because I'm not getting the alone time I need. There are other little things too, but these are some of the main examples. I want to make it clear that my wife isn't a bad person, and I don't believe she's intentionally trying to control me.
She's a very loving person, and I genuinely believe these things bother her. I also understand that marriage involves making compromises and being considerate of your spouse's feelings. I'm more than willing to do that. But lately I've been struggling with the feeling that whenever something about me bothers her, no matter how small, it becomes something I'm expected to change or correct.
And once it's brought up, I feel responsible for making sure it never happens again. The cumulative effect is starting to weigh on me. I feel like I have to constantly monitor how I eat, how I sit, how I express excitement, and even when I'm allowed to spend time alone.
I find myself worrying about whether some completely innocent behavior is going to upset her. And when she does get upset, I feel terrible. Even when I know I haven't intentionally done anything wrong, seeing her distressed makes me feel guilty and ashamed.
I don't want her to feel uncomfortable or scared around me, but I also don't want to feel like I have to suppress so many normal parts of myself just to avoid upsetting her. I guess what I'm struggling with is figuring out where the line is between being considerate of your spouse's sensitivities and feeling responsible for managing every discomfort they experience.
How do couples navigate situations where one partner is particularly sensitive to things the other considers normal, harmless behaviors? How can I be supportive of her feelings while also establishing boundaries so I don't feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells? I'm genuinely looking for advice because I love my wife and want us both to feel comfortable and accepted in our marriage.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Misophonia is much less controllable than treating your past trauma from those that harmed you so that you don’t project it onto innocent people. For sports time, it should be planned in advance and for her to leave the house to do an enjoyable hobby that will fulfill her. When eating, eat separately or she wears headphones.
For alone time, you have a right to it wherever you want. You are responsible for clearly and compassionately communicating to her when you need it and for how long you will be away. She is responsible for going to therapy to not project her issues with her father onto your innocent activity.
Oreos154 OP:
Thank you so much, I appreciate that insight.
She needs some diagnoses from a psychiatrist and I mean that in a positive way. The sudden noise scare is often a PTSD response. The pulling your shirt down sounds compulsive/OCD. All of these things are manageable with the right help and the first step is getting the diagnoses.
That will help her know the correct type of therapy that will help her the most. Keep loving and supporting her. Your concerns may give her a new outlook on life, but only if she gets professional mental health care.
Married to a man for 11 years who had a similar attitude as your wife, though the exact details are slightly different. I had to adjust, not him. Then our kids had to adjust, still not him. We were stifled and shrunk and walking in eggshells, amd as time went on it only got worse, never better.
He has trauma that he refuses to work through, and the ONLY solution is for him to take accountability for his trauma responses and work on healing. It's notnhis or your wife's fault that they have trauma; but it is their responsibility to heal from and find solutions to their trauma symptoms, not yours.
You can make some accomodations, but not like she is expecting. 11 years in and 1 year of separation later, I can tell you that it will take so much away and weigh so very heavily on you. You are going to need to put up boundaries to protect your own mental health, and unless she gets therapy and truly puts in the work tonheal, you guys will never really have a fully satisfying relationship.
Two weeks later, OP shared an update:
A couple of weeks ago, I posted about how I've been struggling with some of my wife's sensitivities. Things like chewing noises (she has misophonia), cheering during football games, my shirt riding up when I'm sitting on the couch, and wanting alone time. Individually, none of these are huge issues, but together they've made me feel like I'm constantly having to monitor myself in my own home.
First off, I appreciate everyone who commented on my original post. My wife and I have since had a pretty emotional conversation about all of this, and I'm still trying to figure out how to approach things going forward. It actually started one night when she brought up the chewing issue again. I thought we'd already worked through it, so hearing it brought up again made me a little annoyed.
I didn't really say much about it at the time because I didn't want to turn it into an argument, and I figured I'd get over it on my own. The next day, she could tell I was still a little annoyed, even though I was trying not to show it. She'd already been having a rough week and was feeling pretty emotional, so I really didn't want to make things worse.
When she asked if I was still upset, I told her I wasn't, even though I guess I was a little. I just didn't think it was worth dwelling on. We ended up having a pretty emotional conversation about the whole thing. She told me she never intended for the chewing issue to become such a big deal, and that if she'd known how much it would affect me, she wouldn't have brought it up.
That's where I got confused. When she first told me that my chewing bothered her, I started making a conscious effort to chew more quietly. She would sometimes point out when I was being too loud, so naturally I assumed this was something she wanted me to work on.
Then, during a therapy session about a month ago, she mentioned that chewing with my mouth open and talking while eating were also things that bothered her (again, I've taken table manners seriously my whole life and have never thought I do any of this). I got frustrated because I felt like I'd already been trying really hard, and now there were even more things I needed to pay attention to.
She told me she appreciated my efforts and was happy with where things were. But when she brought it up again the other night, I assumed there was something else she wanted me to change. Apparently, that wasn't the case. She was only bringing it up because she thought I'd been upset about what she'd said during therapy.
I think the biggest thing I'm struggling with is that she says she doesn't want these things to be a big deal, but I feel like she's still asking me to change my behavior. And in my mind, if someone repeatedly tells me something I'm doing bothers them, I'm going to take that seriously and try to fix it. So I don't really understand how I'm supposed to consciously change something without making it a big deal.
I think that's where my frustration with the other things comes from too. If she asks me to pull my shirt down whenever it rides up, I tend to interpret it as a correction for something I don't think is wrong. Or if I get excited during a football game and yell, and she tells me I scared her, I immediately feel guilty and think I need to be more careful about expressing excitement.
I struggle with knowing how much of a change she's actually asking me to make. She also mentioned that she's doing everything she can to accommodate my sensitivities too, which I believe. But I think the difference for me is that I don't necessarily expect her to change her normal behavior just because something makes me uncomfortable. I tend to think some things are my responsibility to deal with.
Eventually, she started crying and said she felt like something was wrong with her and that she was supposed to figure out how to deal with all these sensitivities on her own. That made me feel awful. I love her, and I don't want her to feel like there's something wrong with her or that she's alone in dealing with these things.
But at the same time, part of me does think that maybe some of these sensitivities are things she needs to learn to manage herself rather than expecting me to change every behavior that bothers her. And then I feel guilty for even thinking that. I also realize that I have my own issues here. I tend to feel a lot of guilt and shame whenever someone tells me something I'm doing bothers them.
Even when she isn't necessarily demanding that I change, I sometimes interpret it that way. So I'm sure part of this is something I need to work on myself. I think what I'm realizing is that it's not really any one request that's bothering me. It's the combination of all of them. Individually, pulling my shirt down or chewing more quietly isn't a huge sacrifice.
But when there are enough little things to keep track of, I start feeling like I can't fully relax or be myself. And when I try to explain that, she gets upset because she feels like I'm saying her sensitivities are her problem to deal with. Then I feel guilty for making her feel that way, and I end up questioning whether I should've brought up my frustration at all.
I don't want to dismiss her feelings, and I certainly don't want her to feel like she has to suffer in silence. But I also don't think it's realistic for either of us to expect the other person to prevent every little discomfort.
My question is: How can I communicate to my wife that I'm willing to accommodate her sensitivities, but that constantly being asked to change small, harmless behaviors is making me feel anxious and self-conscious, without making her feel like I'm dismissing her feelings or telling her to deal with everything on her own?
I really do love my wife, and I want to make this work for both of us. I'm just struggling to figure out how to approach these conversations in a healthier way.
Here's what people had to say to OP's update:
Can you eat separately or ask her to wear earplugs or earphones if it bothers her so much? Honestly that’s no way to live and she needs to talk to a psychiatrist. Also she can go out and do something while you’re watching the game. Or is she scared of everything bc everything makes noise? She could never have children or a pet.
Oreos154 OP:
I brought up eating separately but she wants to have that traditional dinner time together, and she hates the feeling of earplugs/earphones while she chews. And Basically she is just startled by me yelling because, in her words, her brain has trouble distinguishing angry yelling and cheerful yelling (I never yell angrily at the TV).
Your wife has to go to therapy and needs to get a neuropsych evaluation for ASD/OCD/ADHD/other disorders that come with sensory issues and rigidity. This can’t be something you just gently communicate to her until she gets it. Jesus Christ.
You’re being very, very accommodating but this is really on her to manage. She IS supposed to figure out how to deal with her sensitivities on her own. There IS something wrong and it’s her responsibility to get adequate help.
Does she have misophonia? It can cause literal anger, disgust, panic at sounds like chewing, sudden yelling, etc. It is deeply tied to your amygdala or fight/flight response. I have it and about 1 in 5 people do. It almost ruined my relationships. I wear loop earplugs now which dampen noises and help buffer the sounds that cause this reaction.
It honestly sounds like you have made a huge effort to communicate how her constant criticisms affect you...and she has done nothing at all to change her end of the problem. Yes. She DOES have to fix her irrational and extreme sensitivities on her own.
She needs to be in therapy for that. The first thing I would say is that you should not eat together anymore. Separately. Different rooms, different times. Do not let her ruin your enjoyment of food, that's bad for your health.
In the nicest possible way there is something wrong with her. I don’t mean it in a negative way, I mean that she needs to get help. The solution isn’t that you need to change. The solution is that she needs to change. And frankly I feel like her trying to be all “oh I’m totally fine with it but I’m still going to keep bringing it up but that’s because I somehow thought you’d want that” is manipulative af.
No one should have to live a life where they can’t eat their food in peace or sprawl on their own couch. Your home is your safe space. I know sadly for many people it is not but yours does not need to be this way.