'The ring is in our apartment and I’m getting ready to end things.' UPDATED 2X
"The ring is in our apartment and I’m getting ready to end things."
I’ve (30F) been with my bf (31M) for almost 2 years. We discussed marriage early on and seemed aligned. A few months ago, I moved in after we agreed an engagement was our next step. We picked a ring, he bought it (it’s sitting in our apartment), and he even announced to his friends and family that we were ring shopping/getting engaged.
Then, a couple of nights ago, he revealed that he’s not sure he’s ready for engagement or marriage. When I asked why, one of his reasons was that he’s worried he didn’t sleep around enough. He said it’s a dumb reason and he'd probably regret losing me over it, which is why he hasn’t ended things or cheated on me (wow yay congratulations).
At one point he actually said the words: “I don’t see us getting engaged in the foreseeable future” and “they say when you know you know, and I’m not sure if you’re the one.” He even brought up “ethical non monogamy”.
I initially panicked and said I'd consider ENM. I still wanted to be engaged to him. He’s a good partner in many ways and I’m pretty open-minded so maybe?? But the more I processed it the more I started leaning towards ending things. I left the next day to stay with family to figure out my thoughts and let him know I’d be back in a week or so to talk.
I think he assumes we’re staying together? I have a strong feeling that when I go back, he’ll have another "epiphany" and claim he's ready to propose just so he doesn't lose me. But I don't want a man who marries me out of fear of loss, I want someone who is thrilled to marry me!
If he’s this uncertain after 2 years, what’s a week really going to change? Will this desire for other women just pop up again when we have kids and it’s harder to leave? I’d hate to let him backtrack now only to face this again when I’m older and even more attached.
I’d feel so dumb for not heeding the obvious warnings. And either way, I’d always have in the back of my mind that he’s just not sure. That’s definitely NOT a quality I want in the man I’m choosing to spend my life with!
While I was quite sad at first, part of me is feeling excited about dating again. Staying in this relationship would mean that I’m blocking myself from finding a better fit and settling for someone who’s unsure. Leaving means I’m opening up the possibility of meeting someone who knows they can’t wait to marry me and build a life together. And that’s what I want.
Currently I’m working on solidifying my headspace over the next few days so I don't get manipulated by an “I don't want to lose you" speech when I go back. I’m generally very empathic and understanding, but I know I need to be logical and decisive over this. He doesn’t want to end it and would be very happy to continue as we are. It’s not a bad life, but deep down I think I’d regret settling for this.
Reading posts here has been comforting and clarifying and has helped me feel more ready to walk away. Hopefully someone feels comforted by this post in some way too. Send me luck and strength for when I go back in a few days to break the news!
The next day, OP returned with an update.
I called him and ended things. I realized I needed to schedule the move out with our building (otherwise there’d be no parking for the truck) and he’d be notified automatically then anyway, so figured I’d just do it over the phone and get it over with.
I felt a bit guilty about a phone breakup, but realistically he just told me he no longer sees us getting engaged and wants to sleep with other people, so perhaps I’m not the one who should feel any guilt here.
He was a bit shocked and asked some questions, but I was very final and basically said “We want different things so this just makes sense. I really appreciate your honesty. This way we can both find what we want.“
I have a better move out plan now too - my mom is driving back with me Saturday morning with a Uhaul and she’ll be there to help me pack everything asap and get out! Very glad I won’t have to spend any time alone with him or any more nights in the apartment. I can update again after the move when I’m all in the clear!
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Please don't accept a proposal from someone who thinks that "ethical non-monogamy" is on the table. He only said that for one reason; he doesn't think you are the one. Let him go, go out there and find your husband.
The only people I know who are genuinely happy with ENM are couples who are absolutely downright feral for each other, both in terms of life partner warm fuzzies and tearing each other's clothes off. It's a rare breed but it works for them.
Non monogamy premised on wanting to have your cake and eat it too, because you're not sure if your girlfriend of two years is "the one"? DOOMED DOOMED DOOMED DOOMED DOOMED.
Girl, run. He just told you the truth finally. Be glad he didn’t trap you with marriage and kids. Be sad for a while. Then be free. You are going to find a better partner than one who didn’t get laid enough.
Ugh. Haven’t slept around enough? That’s a new one for this sub (that I’ve seen). I almost threw up in my mouth.
OP—be warned! After he’s been out there for 6 months or so, and hasn’t been able to get laid nearly as much as he wants, and feels cold and lonely…good chance he’ll come slithering back like the snake he is. Don’t be stupid. Don’t take him back.
BubblyNote5492 OP:
I’m loving people’s disgust at his desire to sleep around, it’s helping me further develop the “ick” about him. Thank you for making me chuckle. And yeah, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he tried to reach out after a while…
I have no plans to take him back because I don’t think I could ever get over what he said. There are sooo many men out there, it would be silly to get back with one who has already proven himself to be a bad fit.
The truth of the matter is you'll never see him the same now. Even if you go back, the way he spoke to you, the flippancy with which he brought up non monogamy, the casual cruelty of saying you should be grateful he hasn't cheated on you, his immature and disrespectful desire to "sleep around more," will all ring in your head each time you look at him.
It's irrecoverable, which is a great gift to you - hold onto the hope you have for your future and get out of there! Better to be single than to be engaged to a man who is just plain gross.
BubblyNote5492 OP:
I agree! I’m glad he was so honest because it makes the decision very obvious for me. It would be dumb to stay and I’d have no one to blame but myself after hearing what’s on his mind!
Anyone else think he cheated on her? 1. suddenly does not want to get married, 2. he hasn't slept around enough, and 3. let's try non-monogamy.
BubblyNote5492 OP:
It’s definitely a possibility, after what he said I guess I wouldn’t be shocked to find out he actually did cheat. Either way he’s already revealed more than enough info for me to know that he’s not the man I want to spend my life with!
he is NOT husband material. Agreeing to be his wife would be a big L for you. ew . His mask has slipped.
Nine says later, OP returned with an update.
A few people wanted updates so I'm back to share! Long story short: I ended things and moved out!
Long story long: Moving out went surprisingly well - he helped pack and carry boxes, gifted me some expensive things he bought for us while we lived together, etc.
Then at one point we were alone and he did the 'speech' some suspected would happen. Things like: He loves me, doesn't want to lose me, it was so hard not talking to me this week, I'm his favorite person, etc.
I told him I appreciate it, but we just want different things, so ending it is the right choice. He said he doesn't think our wants are that different in the grand scheme of things. I told him our timelines are different then, and he said he doesn't think our timelines are that different.
I said something about how either way, he's not ready now, we're in our 30s, it's been 2 years, he still thinks he needs more 'experiences' (edit: in case you didn't see my last post, he said he felt like he hadn't slept with enough women yet lol), etc., and I'm just not willing to wait for him to decide. I want someone who knows what they want.
He said he didn't want me to leave, but understood why I was doing it. He admitted he thought about doing a 'grand gesture' to keep me, but knew it wouldn't be right given his uncertainty.
He said something about how he's going to try to 'get this out of his system', and he knows I'll be living my life/might meet someone else, but to not be surprised if he reaches out to try to get back together (another accurate prediction from some of the sub members lol).
Overall he said many kind things and was pretty reasonable. He cried, which made me cry. But at no point did I waver in my decision in the slightest. Even though it's sad and obviously not the outcome I wanted after 2 years, I'm still 100% confident that leaving was the correct thing to do for me.
I guess you should "never say never", but I honestly don't see us getting back together, even if he has a 'transformation'. I think it would be hard to feel safe and secure in a relationship with him again after this. I don't think he's a bad guy, just a bit immature and indecisive, and ultimately not what I'm looking for.
Now I'm just getting settled in my new place (I'm lucky to have family with spare rooms!) and taking a bit of a pause before I start dating again.
On one hand I feel ready to get back out there with more clarity than ever, but on the other hand I'm not sure that it's a great idea/look to be dating ~2 weeks after ending a 2 year relationship. :P So I'll give it a bit of time, and then use the lessons I learned in this relationship to spot red flags earlier on and make better dating choices.
Thanks again for all the supportive comments on my first post. Reading them really helped me feel even better and more confident in my choice. I really appreciate everyone. Thank you!
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
That’s a good decision. Your surprise reminded me of an epiphany my (ex)husband had, saying he wants to explore… while I’m stuck at home with 3 month old twins. Your man may want you back, but there is no guarantee he won’t feel trapped or bored, again, in future years. It’s tough to not feel your husband has good intentions for you.
"What would change if he gave you a ring now? He’d still be exactly the same guy, it’s just now you have a pretty ring."
Agree with this commenter. The moment those thoughts entered his head and those words left his mouth, there's no going back. Trying to propose to her would do nothing but give her a ring.
This guy is 100% going to use that ring on someone else because he ‘already had it’ and ‘there’s nothing wrong with it.’
He is so (very quickly) marrying the next girl he dates.
Absolutely. This is always the case. He'll try to get back with the ex first, however.
The fact she was excited to get into dating again because she could do better, knew that and was prepared for it was amazing. Really great to see someone with basic standards and self love. It was the moment she probably knew it was really over.
This woman has an incredibly solid head on her shoulders.
Aaaaaaaand he's either going to be single forever or marry the next woman who says "Hello" to him. There is no in-between. Luckily, my ex picked being single forever; according to him, he's not a "sap" so he'll never date again. (He's threatening the entire dating pool with a good time, believe me!)