"My husband is mourning his affair partner."
My (F50) husband (M52) is mourning his affair partner (F45).
We’ve been married for 25 years and have 2 adult children. The affair was 3 years ago and lasted 1.5 years. During his affair, he said that she was the one he could not live without, loved the most, and that he wanted to leave me for her. The affair only ended because she wanted it, and he was heartbroken.
He eventually confessed. I chose to stay for various reasons. At first, I blamed her and thought of her as a homewrecker, but somewhere along the way, I realized that it was him.
Three days ago, it was found that she passed away due to unfortunate circumstances. Although I personally disliked her, she was liked by many in the community.
There will be a vigil held for her, where people talk about what an amazing woman she was and how she made everyone around her better. My husband wants to go. He has become more withdrawn over these past couple of days. He admits that he is sad and grieving her.
He reached out to her brother, and introduced himself to him as her friend. He wants to attend the funeral and pay his respects.
I don’t want him to. I want him to forget about her and to hate her. But he does not. I feel like a monster saying this.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
I mean he told you she was the love of his life, I'm not sure what you were expecting by staying.
Maybe it’s because I had too many margaritas today, but, F^#$ HIM. Let him mourn his affair partner in a studio apartment. ALONE.
I’m sorry, this must be awful and reopen some wounds. It sounds like your husband never really moved on. You tried to make it work, but is this something you want for the rest of your life? Someone who openly admits he loves another woman and doesn’t even care enough to pretend. I can acknowledge there are reasons to stay, but he doesn’t even seem to be doing the bare minimum.
I hate the fact that everyone thinks she’s a good person, and now I can’t even say anything because I’ll look like a vindictive a&*%^le.
Yes you can. You can visit her grave at a later date and tell her exactly what you need too.
Like rant to her?
Sure. Even if it’s in your head. Go in a few weeks in the middle of a workday.
Not the same, but I’m still mad at my dad for chewing tobacco and dying. He left me a mess with my mom. I’ve gone to his grave and asked how this could have happened a bunch of times.
You can even go to say your peace and forgive.
I would not care how I looked. If anyone asked if I knew her I’d be like, “Yeah, she had an affair with my husband. I guess everyone has a dark side?”
I want him to forget about her and to hate her. But he does not.
It's counter-productive to compete with a dead woman. There will be another one as obviously you're not enough for him. If you can afford it financially leave him.
I can’t afford it financially
Maybe your next move should be becoming financially independent… his situation will not change.
Leave your husband. Take him for as much as you can. He's horrible. Do your kids no he cheated?
No we decided not to tell them
He should go AND…you go with him. If you can “peel the onion” it can be a healing process for both of you. Also, I have a sinking feeling that by doing so, it may strengthen your relationship with him. Just my opinion though and this is coming from a person that married someone who’s previous partner passed away.
5 days later OP shared this update:
The vigil happened two days ago. My husband and I both went. Everything that I expected to happen, happened. Everyone spoke about how she was the brightest light and that nothing would be the same without her. Her family spoke about what an amazing daughter and sister she was, her friends talked about what a delightful friend she was. My husband or I did not speak.
I saw the comments saying that I should say something at the vigil. I chose not to. Not because I think she’s a great woman, but because I do not think her mourning friends or family need to hear that when they are grieving. My husband did not speak. Not out of respect for me, but respect for her, as he realized that she cut him off and wanted nothing to do with him.
After the vigil, I told him that I wanted a divorce. He did not protest it and said that he thinks that it will be for the best.
He ordered a heart shaped necklace with her name engraved inside it, and that’s when I knew it was truly over.
I told the kids about the divorce today. We both chose not to reveal the affair to them, as we don’t want them to feel like the way need to take sides to show loyalty or anything like that. They are still processing.
I don’t think I ever want to date or fall in love again. If I’m honest, I do think his affair partner was the true love of his life, and I believe he regrets meeting me.
So, I will choose myself. I’m trying to find a job right now and figure out how to rebuild my life.
I am still angry at her and wish she never came into my life, but I will work on forgiving her and him for my sake. I’m still jealous of her and think of her everyday and how my soon to be ex husband called her the love of his life.
I saw another comment saying that I should make fun of her death in front of my husband. I find that a tad bit cruel, and while I think ill of her, I try not to vocalize it.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
If your adult children ask why, you should both be honest about what happen. I don´t think a lie, helps anyone at this point. You are not asking them to pick sides, you are being honest about what happened. Hiding this things usually is not for the benefit of the kids, but for the benefit of the cheater/wrong doer.
I really don't know why you went to that funeral, but that is something you should really ask yourself.
Wishing the best for you.
She should make the husband tell them. It shouldn't be an accusation from her, but a confession from him.
As someone who had parents that told two opposing stories.. they need to tell them together. That would clear any confusing or misleading story the dad may say
Please tell your kids the truth. The non affair parent always gets screwed over in the end. People who lie and cheat will be happy to lie and cheat and paint you as the guilty party for ruining the relationship when it suits them. If you don't tell them why the marriage ended, he will definitely make you out to be the bad guy. I've seen it happen countless times with both sexes.
You made a mature decision that will serve you better in the long run. I wish you all the love and healing as you enter into the next chapter