'I made a huge mistake telling my mom the gender of her unborn grandchild...' UPDATED 4X

"I made a huge mistake telling my mom the gender of her unborn grandchild..."

I'm really pissed about it and need to rant. For a little background, my husband (29M) and I (24F) are having our first baby coming this spring. In December we had our anatomy scan--for those who don't know it's the ultrasound where baby and all the organs are measured to check to see if baby will even be able to survive outside my body.

It's also the ultrasound where you can find out the gender of your baby if you so please. Unfortunately the stress of the idea of not knowing if the baby would survive outside of my body caused me to essentially give myself a 24 hr bug and the night before the appointment I couldn't stop throwing up and had a bad case of the anxiety runs almost the entire night.

Because of this, the day of the appointment I was absolutely wiped but I made it through and thankfully the scan came back perfectly and even though we would've been happy with either gender, we were both thrilled to find out that we're having a girl.

My MIL has been dying to find out the gender of her first grandbaby however my husband told me that she's more of an old-fashioned woman and would prefer to for us to tell her in person rather than a text, whereas my mom and bio-dad didn't really care how they found out as long as they found out.

The appointment was on a Wednesday and we were supposed to have a family gathering at my MIL's house that Saturday, so 3 days after the appointment. I was really excited about the gender of the baby and really wanted to tell someone, so I sent my mom a text telling her the gender and then added that no one else knew the gender yet and that she should keep quiet about it. She agreed.

Big mistake. Let me note that even though my bug had gone away after we found out the scan went on, I was still absolutely wiped as I hadn't had much sleep due to the vomiting/runs that I had all night. So even though my husband suggested giving his mom a call, I really wasn't feeling up to it and just wanted to sleep.

He didn't want to tell his mom the news without me present so we agreed to wait until Saturday to tell his mom. Begin Thursday. I put a quick post on Facebook letting my friends know that the anatomy scan went great and that I would be updating everyone on the gender on Saturday afternoon.

I added to the post my and my husband's initial guesses on what we thought the gender would be and thought it would be fun to ask people what they think the gender would be and to put their guesses in the comments. This is when all hell broke loose.

I'm gonna be honest, I don't know what the actual f my mom was thinking. When entrusting someone with a secret, I expect that they pretend like they know nothing. For example, if I tell my friend that I have a crush on someone I expect them to keep it to themselves and not go around bragging in people's faces that they know I have a crush on someone but that they're not allowed to tell anyone....

Well that's exactly what my mom did. She commented, essentially just rubbing it in people's faces that she knew the gender of the baby. She said something like "I know the gender of the baby but I know I'm not allowed to tell anyone, so I'll respect that." And yes, she used an emoji, too.

Of course when she had posted that comment I was in a group meeting and the building I was in had no signal so I wasn't able to catch it. When I exited the building I was immediately greeted by a text from my MIL upset about the fact that my mom knew the gender and she didn't. I explained to her that we were planning on telling her in person on Saturday and that I hadn't felt up to a phone call the day before.

She refused to hear me out and began demanding that I tell her the gender right then over text. I showed it to my husband when I got home and bless his soul, he told me not to tell her as she was being too demanding and she could wait until Saturday. Jump to the Friday in the week after, my mom and stepdad were planning on moving across the country because my dad had a job offer.

I had stopped by to help them with some things and I had told my mom that when I had said not to tell anyone I also meant not to tell people that she knew...Maybe I was assuming too much but I thought that was an obvious thing. She apologized and I accepted it. However, later that day she asked if we had a name picked out and I said that we had a first name picked out but not a middle name yet.

She asked if I would tell her the name and I said no, that we weren't announcing the name until after the baby is born. She seemed to have dropped it. Until she asked another time. I told her again, no because we weren't announcing it. Then I went home.

The next day my husband and I stopped by to pick up some things and my mom started asking again if we would tell her the gender and I again said no. Right before we left, she asked me AGAIN. At this point, I was done. I will admit that my wording came out bad because my damn pregnancy brain makes me struggle to come up with words, especially when I need them the most.

What I meant to say was that "no, sorry but the last time we had important information it was leaked that someone knew about it. We don't want that happening again." Instead what came out was "sorry but you kinda broke my trust." Which.... admittedly, I did feel like she broke my trust. I had trusted her with information that no one else knew and she proceeded to rub it on everyone's face that she knew.

We went home and my mom stopped talking to me for a week. She finally called me and absolutely flipped the f out at me for saying that she had broken my trust. She claimed that me saying that had compared her to her ex-husband (my bio-dad) who had cheated on her multiple times with multiple women....Girl, WHAT?!

She also said that if I would've told her that we didn't want to tell anyone the name that she would've accepted the answer and not asked again. GIRL, WHAT??!! She literally asked me 3 times after I had initially told her that we didn't want to announce the name. I don't know what you think accepting an answer is but continuing to ask after you've already been told no is absolutely NOT accepting the answer.

To top that all off, she chastised me about me not telling my MiL about the gender at the same time that I had told her even though I had told my mom the full story, that I had been sick and wasn't feeling up to the call and that MIL was being too demanding and my husband told me to wait. To which, when I initially told my mom this she had replied "Good for him."

You don't get to play the victim game and lie about this crap when it's convenient for you. Oh, and we haven't reached the top of the cake yet. She threatened to go NC with me and told me that she had just been planning on moving across the country and never talking to me again over this. As I was trying to talk to her she kept on talking over me and arguing back.

I finally said "mom, I'm not gonna sit here and argue with you." I was trying to add "I expect to take care of this calmly like adults" but she cut me off right after I said that I wasn't gonna sit and argue with her and she said "if you hang up on me, that's it. I'm done. I will never talk to you again" even though she hadn't even let me finish my full sentence.

I had my phone on the lowest volume and from the next seat over on the couch my husband was sitting and could STILL hear every word my mom was saying because she was flipping out that loudly. And as he sat there his jaw was on the floor. After I finally got her calmed down and we hung up, my husband said "Is it bad that I'm suddenly glad she's moving across the country?"

Anyways, my mom thinks we worked it all out and has been trying to text me like nothing happened....I just don't even know what to do at this point. I've only answered the necessary texts because I honestly don't really want to talk to my mom right now... I'm not planning on going NC with her cuz I'm not gonna stoop to her level but at the same time part of me never wants to talk to her again...

The way she flipped out was so immature...and it sounds terrible but I'm almost starting to be thankful that she and my bio-dad divorced. He's the type of guy who learned from his mistakes and cleaned up his life and in all-in-all a good man and I'm really kinda glad he didn't have to spend the last 19 yrs with a woman that throws temper tantrums like a teenager.

Anyway... that's my family..and the story of how I messed up by telling my mom the gender of her unborn grandbaby...I really hope and pray that I never treat my daughter the way that she treated me.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Dixy2 said:

Just don't tell her anything in future, like you said she broke your trust so needs to earn it back!

RedneckDebutante said:

She gave you the perfect opening - she said she would never talk to you again. I'd go with it, personally. Stop being afraid of her and set boundaries. Tell her you'll end calls/messages when she acts disrespectfully. Tell her she can call you back when she feels properly in control of herself. And ignore her until she foes.

She only does it because it gets you to give her what she wants. It should go without saying that you shouldn't tell her - or anyone else - things you don't want repeated. I wouldn't tell her much of anything.

Careful_Doubt3585 said:

Your mum would really go NC when you are about to have her first grandbaby? If anyone gets to cut anyone off it’s you! Stand your ground!

Corpuscular_Ocelot said:

Stop coddling your mom. She is controlling and vindictive. You have more power here than she does, so stop taking the toxic behavior.

Sexcalator said:

Personally I think you should go NC, simply because she suggested it first. Call her on her bluff. Going NC isn’t “stooping to her level,” tho, it’s prioritizing yourself, your peace, and your child.

To be frank, is this the type of person you want around your kid? You will have to have discussions with your child about how to “not take Grandma’s comments personally,” on how to navigate interactions with your mother, and she will inevitably cross a line at some point.

Past-Rip-3671 said:

Trust is involved in all parts of your life, not just keeping your marriage vows. And your Mom broke yours. She was willing to go NC with you rather than admit she was wrong. Info diet for her.

FIRST UPDATE:

I had originally posted this to get everything off my chest since after a month it was still bothering me and I hoped that ranting to a bunch of people I didn't know would make me feel better. But y'all have me actually wondering if I do need to go no contact with her.

Up until now it was just my mom's behavior that I've dealt with pretty much my entire life but seeing your perspectives have made me realize just how sad it was that I had accepted behavior like that as "the norm."

Since posting this message earlier this morning I've put together a message and decided to reach out to my bio-dad for hopefully neutral approach from someone who is familiar with my mom's behavior pattern. Fortunately my mom's beef with my dad is entirely one-sided--she has a habit of holding on to grudges.

So even though my dad has long come to peace with their divorce and cleaned up his life, my mom still holds bitter feelings towards him. I'm hoping his perspective will help me decide where to go to next from here. I'll update again when I hear back from him.

SECOND UPDATE:

I had originally posted this to get everything off my chest since after a month it was still bothering me and I hoped that ranting to a bunch of people I didn't know would make me feel better. But y'all have me actually wondering if I do need to go no contact with her. Up until now it was just my mom's behavior that I've dealt with pretty much my entire life but seeing your perspectives have made me realize just how sad it was that I had accepted behavior like that as "the norm". Since posting this message earlier this morning I've put together a message and decided to reach out to my bio-dad for hopefully neutral approach from someone who is familiar with my mom's behavior pattern. Fortunately my mom's beef with my dad is entirely one-sided--she has a habit of holding on to grudges. So even though my dad has long come to peace with their divorce and cleaned up his life, my mom still holds bitter feelings towards him. I'm hoping his perspective will help me decide where to go to next from here. I'll update again when I hear back from him

THIRD UPDATE:

Let me start this off by reminding you that my dad doesn't hold any resentment for my mom for things that happened before and after their divorce. He's long come to terms with everything surrounding the divorce and even with things that my mom did to him after the divorce.

My dad got back to me and gave me a call where we had a heart-to-heart about everything. He told me about how my grandma had been a really toxic parent to my mom and her sisters and would gaslight them all pretty much their entire lives.

Though I think she's gotten a little more mild as she's gotten older, there are times where I can totally see gaslighting, toxicity, and manipulation in my grandma's personality, which is something I could see even before he told me about it.

He told me that even when he and my mom were married that there was gaslighting and manipulation coming from her end. He never blamed her because he knew it was how she was raised---that said, that was not the because of the unfaithfulnesss in their marriage. I won't be detailing on that, as it's more personal.

He told me stories of things that had happened immediately following the divorce that my mom had done to manipulate things and I was left surprised. Unfortunately the things that he told me are things that I could 100% see my mom doing. When I told my husband about it, he said he could see the same.

My first question for him was if I had ever shown signs of gaslighting and manipulation and thankfully, he said no. And as much as he hated that I was raised in an environment with gaslighting present he was glad that it was finally something...

I was beginning to see so that I could hopefully break the cycle and not gaslight my baby girl and any other future kids my husband and I have. Next was his advice. He told me 4 possible scenarios of what I could do:

Option 1: He said "how good is your acting?" He said my first option would be to suck it up and play back the act that it never happened like my mom had been doing. He didn't necessarily recommend doing this, as while he and my mom were married my mom would do this with my grandma and he would see that it would take a toll on her.

I told him about my concern and that pretending like nothing happened made me feel really uncomfortable. I told him that I wasn't sure if that was just me being over-dramatic or if it was a normal reaction. He assured me that it was a normal reaction and that I wasn't overreacting or being over-dramatic.

Option 2: His 2nd option would be to talk to my mom. Tell her that even though she's pretending like nothing happened, something obviously DID happen and that we still needed to talk about it. He told me to tell her how I feel and how her actions effected me.

He and I then talked about it a bit to go over concerns. We both agreed if I tried this approach the conversation it would just backtrack to my mom trying to victimize herself and ignore how her actions made me feel and instead focus solely on her.

Which would have zero benefits as we both expected that nothing would change from this approach and it might only leave me feeling worse since the probability of my mom taking accountability for her actions are very low.

Option 3: He told me that I could pretty much continue what I've been doing--only answering the necessary texts from her. And if she notices something is up and that our relationship hasn't been the same, nicely tell her that it hasn't been and that I need space. He recommended this option, as it would spare her feelings a bit.

Option 4: He told me that my last option would be to go NC with her. He reminded me that unlike my mom's version of NC, "never speaking to me ever again," that no-contact doesn't have to be forever. And, he very much did not recommend it to be forever. He said that I won't have my mom forever.

He lost his dad back in 2020 due to sepsis after a failed surgery and he told me that once my mom passes away that my brain will kinda forget the bad things and that all that will be left is "I lost so much time with my mom." He also said that if I choose to go NC with her that I don't have to tell her, as we can already predict that it would be a stressful conversation.

My dad did thank me for reaching out to him for advice about the situation and not just doing something that I would end up regretting. And he also said that if I choose to go NC or stay LC that I wouldn't be stooping to my mom's level. He told me that unborn babies can, to an extent, feel their mother's emotions.

If I'm sad, the baby will feel sad. If I'm happy, the baby will feel happy. If I'm stressed, it'll stress out the baby. He told me that protecting my feelings will ultimately be protecting the baby's feelings and said that even though she isn't born yet that protecting her feelings makes me a good mom.

When my husband got off work, I sat down with my husband and told him that the issue with my mom was still bothering me, which he already knew, and that I had talked my bio-dad. And gave him a basic rundown of what my dad had said. I really lucked out on the man I found as he's always been really supportive.

He told me that no matter what I chose to do that he would back me up. I took the rest of the weekend to think about what I should do and decided that as of now, at least until my daughter is born, I'm going to go NC with her so I can hopefully spend this last trimester as stress-free as possible.

We won't be telling her when we're on the way to the hospital--she can learn when the baby is born at the same time as everyone else: when we make the announcement on Facebook. As of now I'm 28 weeks and I'm hoping that once she's born in 10-12 weeks that I'll be healed enough that I can continue my relationship with my mom but I'll have to see where I'm at.

An important note is that once the baby is born I'm not going to stop her and my stepdad from flying out from her new house to meet the baby, as that would just be cruel in my opinion and it'll also give me the opportunity to interact with my mom and see if I'm ready to move forward with our relationship or if I need more time to heal.

Thank you all for your kind and helpful responses. After all, it was you guys who helped make me realize that maybe I should do something about this situation instead of just letting the bitter feelings towards my mom build.

FOURTH UPDATE:

After about 3 months of temporary no contact with my mom and stepdad I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl and decided to let my them meet her. They flew in from their new state and met her at my grandparents' house.

I didn't feel comfortable having them in our home and meeting at someone else's house gave us the freedom to leave whenever if the meeting went south without us having to kick them out of our house. The meeting went fine BUT things still went south later.

Previously I had sent a message to my parents expressing that I wanted to be treated as a fellow adult and mother, not as a child. My husband read the message before I sent it and confirmed that it was respectful. How did that go, you ask? I was immediately met with my mother calling me controlling.

So I decided to extend my no contact for a bit longer to see how I wanted to go forwards. And that's when my eyes were opened to all the gaslighting and manipulation patterns from when I was younger. I guess it was one of those things that my brain tried to protect me from until if felt safe to let me process it.

And processing, it did. Years of gaslighting and manipulation were thrown at me all at once. I went another 4 months temporary no contact and that leads us up to this past week. A few days ago decided to send my parents one final message: the last chance.

I laid down the facts of what happened and explained exactly why I was frustrated and the only way I felt we could move forward: acknowledgement of what happened, willingness to understand why I had to step back, and sincere accountability for the part that they played. I hoped that it would give them the slap of reality that they needed.

Did I expect it? No. But a girl can hope, right? Unfortunately, my expectations were spot on. The message that was sent in response was really long but I'll do my best sum it up through direct quotes from my stepdad's message:

-"Your mom is just as hurt as you are" -"It would've been nice if you had extended your trust to her and told her your baby's name" -"You sent that message [telling my mom I needed to step back] to inflict maximum harm" -"You purposefully carry out hateful behavior towards us"

"The only way we can repair our relationship is if you apologize to us" -"Have you asked God if it was ok to ignore our messages and texts?" -"You're purposefully withholding your daughter, our granddaughter, from us" -"I expect you to apologize for how you treated us the last few months"

I was genuinely hoping that our relationship could've been saved, but it's gone. I'm done. I pretty much immediately blocked them both on all platforms. They are no longer welcome in my life nor my daughter's life. I told my husband that he can choose whether to keep them as friends on his Facebook account, unfriend them, or block them.

Though I did request that if he keeps them as friends that whenever he posts about me or the baby that he change the privacy so that they can't see it, to which he agreed. Sometimes I do fear that I was the unreasonable one however my husband reassured me that if he thought I was in the wrong that he would've told me and that he thinks I've made the right decision.

Thanks for all of you who gave me advice on my previous post and even though I wish there could've been a different ending to all this, I'm relieved that I at least have closure that I did everything that I could: that the only way they would've agreed to repair the relationship was if I dropped my boundaries and submitted to them.

My daughter will grow up watching how I let people treat me, and I refuse to let her grow up believing that being walked all over, especially by those who claim to care, is acceptable.