"My childhood bully wants to reach out."
I (29F) had a bully from elementary school all the way into high school. Spreading rumors about me. Making fun of me. Trying to publicly embarrass me. One time I can think of off the top of my head is that she had heard me telling a friend that I had never kissed anyone. This, by the way was junior year of high school, and I came from a small town where I just didn’t have an attraction to anyone.
I wanted something like that to be special. Someone I liked. Well she told everyone. Like it was something to be ashamed of. But high schoolers being high schoolers, they all ate it up and I was bothered about it for weeks. One guy even tried to kiss me. Telling me it was “out of pity”.
Well, as it turns out, our mothers work together in the same office. They’ve become good work friends, which she asked if that was okay. Of course it was. Her mother had always been kind. Tried to apologize for her daughter. Tried to fix things. Was ashamed of how she acted. So I’ve never held anything against her mom.
Besides they’re a super cute middle aged mom duo. Wine and painting classes. Crocheting. They even spent a whole night doing a massive puzzle. Jumping up and down like excited toddlers when it was done. It’s awesome.
However, my bully, who apparently had a daughter with her own bully. One that has been way more ruthless than she was. She sees the damage it does. She’s thought about me. The things she did and said. The rumors she threw around and relishing in the times I cried. Now, she’s filled with regret.
She told her mother she wants to apologize. To make amends. Well, her mother wasn’t sure about that and talked to my mom. Who informed me but told me it was in my court. My decision to make.
Thing is…I don’t want an apology. I don’t want to hear her go through the things she’s done and hearing how she now knows it was wrong to treat me how she did. Part of me wants her to hurt, selfishly. If only so it to motivate her to get her daughter help and get this bully taken care of.
So this child doesn’t have to go through the things that I myself went through. Not only that, but she single-handedly destroyed my self confidence growing up. It’s taken me years and counseling to finally feel good about myself. I know it’s wrong but…I don’t want to forgive her for that. No
Here's what people had to say to OP:
You don't have to forgive her, no matter what bullshit these people come up with. You don't have to talk to her either. Tell your mom, "no thanks" and don't speak about it again. If she tries to bring it up shut it down with, " I have moved on."
oopsiedoopsie00 OP:
My mother has actually been pretty supportive. She only informed me to see how I’d feel. But said whatever way I wanted to go she’d understand and won’t push beyond that. Her mother hasn’t said much at all.
after all this time, i think you have to let go. forgive and forget, move on
oopsiedoopsie00 OP:
I have let go. Some point a few years back I finally came to the realization that she had to be pretty miserable to make someone else so unhappy. But, for whatever reason, I don’t want to hear her apology. Just because I forgive her doesn’t mean what she did was okay.
If you wish hurt for her then no, you have not let go. You are in no way obligated to hear her out, but you are lying to yourself about the peace you claim to have made with it.
oopsiedoopsie00 OP:
I wish no hurt on her at all. I do feel bad that she now has to sit there and see her own daughter bullied. But that doesn’t mean I want to talk to her. Hear her apology and talk through all the things of the past. I flat out just don’t want to hear it.
That’s great hope that’s true! I only copied and pasted your words off your post. You said… “Because, selfishly, I want it to hurt her.” Now it says… “Part of me wants her to hurt, selfishly.” Not sure why the words have been changed but it still all means the same. I was just pointing it out that it was said.
oopsiedoopsie00 OP:
No. I realize now that’s not how I meant it. Yes, I agree part of me wants her to hurt enough she takes this seriously for her daughter. But I don’t want myself to hurt her. I forgive her. But I also don’t want to sit there and listen to any apology.
I don’t care to poke at the past. I don’t want to hurt her by doing that. I hope that makes sense. Truthfully, I’m not the greatest with wording how I feel. Trying to work on that in counseling. I tried to edit it to make more sense? Not sure with how well I did.
4 months later OP posted this, "Update: My child hood bully came to my house."
So a long while ago I posted about how my childhood bully wanted to reconnect and talk. The main reason being is that her child was being bullied in school. I stated that my mother and her mother have become good friends in recent years through work.
Mind you: her mother, well go ahead and call her Gwen, never liked that she was a bully and punished her NUMEROUS times through our school years for it. My Bully, gonna call her Olivia, asked her mom to ask mine if I would talk. I had said no.
I had no interest in reconnecting. I’d forgiven her long ago, but didn’t have any desire to reconnect, if only to make her feel better about her daughter’s situation. I hate that her daughter has had to go through this, I do. But I don’t see how us reconnecting will fix that.
Well, I live about thirty minutes away from my home town. Where she still lives. Today, I came home from running errands and playing at the park with my son to find her SITTING ON MY PORCH SWING. As I came up my steps, she tried immediately talking to me, I told her: “No, give me a minute”.
I took my son in, set him up in his playpen, with his favorite toys, switched on my monitor and went back out to meet her. This is pretty much how our conversation went:
Me: “What are you doing here and how did you get my address?”
O: “I just came to talk! I wanted to reconnect and apologize for everything I did growing up”
Me: “Do you actually want to apologize or do you just wanna feel better? I heard what’s happened to your daughter, and I’m sorry, but this isn’t gonna make that go away. I already forgave you a long time ago, but I have NO interest in reconnecting or being friends.”
O: Well…could you at least talk to her? Like…as a former victim of bullying? Please? I think she really needs it. School is starting next week and she’s terrified!
Me: If I do. I’m not holding back. I WILL tell her YOU were my bully and all the things you did. How I felt. The damage YOU caused.
She had been pretty speechless at that and just stared at me before saying she didn’t want that. She didn’t want her daughter to know that she’d been a bully. I just shrugged and said “well I’m not gonna lie to her either, Olivia”. Then I asked her to leave, never to come back or contact me and went back inside. She sat on my porch for a few minutes before leaving.
I came to find out an hour lager that she’d gotten my address from her mother’s house. I’d invited her to my son’s first birthday. Gwen felt horrible and apologized profusely. She hadn’t even thought about my address being on the invite when Olivia had come over the weekend prior. Though I was a bit irritated, I forgave her pretty quick. I know Gwen well enough by now, she wouldn’t have done this on purpose.
But now, I don’t know what to do! I’m actually afraid she’ll show up again and bring her daughter or something! I found and blocked her on everything and Gwen screamed at her for coming to my house. This is such a mess.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
Clearly Olivia hasn’t learned her lesson of being a bully. Because if she had she wouldn’t have forced herself into your life again and demand that you get involved. I don’t know Olivia but I would assume she’ll be scared that you’ll follow through with your threat on telling her daughter that she was a bully.
If she does I suggest contacting Gwen right away. As much as I would advocate for the truth - I do worry about her daughter. And if her daughter is a victim of bullying she might feel betrayed knowing her trusted adult was once upon a person who tortured others as well.
oopsiedoopsie00 OP:
That’s part of the reason I’m terrified of her coming back. But, with the comments pointing out the threat alone would keep her away, I’m feeling a bit more hopeful. I just hate the idea of this poor girl, who’s going through some pretty bad bullying, finding out her mother was just as bad. I don’t wanna do that!
But I’m not gonna sit across from her and say “oh yeah I’m fine after all those years of horrific bullying and beating me down until I needed medical help! Who were they…? Don’t remember!”. No. Especially because then, maybe Olivia would finally get it. Maybe.
meeting a childhood bully after all those years must feel surreal. did they apologize or just come by?
oopsiedoopsie00 OP:
She never apologized once. She kept saying she wanted to, but never flat out said the words.
Don’t want to take my apology? Fine…I’ll make you take it!
“Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself!”
I was hoping to see that the bully had grown, only to see they have grown worse.
She never once cared about hurting other people, until the same started happening to someone she loves. Pretty pathetic road to empathy, and it's clear it's still driven by self-interest.
She still doesn't get it. The guilt is her penance, you're supposed to feel bad for the bad things you've done. That feeling of badness is what prevents you from doing it again, which is it's own reward.
You don't get to be forgiven and have everything wrapped up in a neat bow for you, OP said and did all the right things here
I had a former bully reach out to me after decades because her son was being bullied and it made her reflect. The message she sent immediately started with a sincere apology, as she hadn't considered the consequences of her actions when we were younger.
She also put in there that there was no expectation from her end for me to even respond, let alone forgive her. She just wanted to sincerely apologise for all the damage she had done and to wish me well.
If OP's bully had done something similar I'm sure it wouldn't have been an issue, but "Olivia" came at it from a selfish place and wasn't remotely remorseful.