"AITA for telling my friend's wife to F off?"
I (F) been friends w X for 25+ years. Never dated, & i care about him & his family. When he/his wife had their daughter, I was there to meet her. I don’t have children, but I have experience. My 10-year-old nephew lives with me and his mom, & I’ve flown with him 18 times. I’ve also flown with my goddaughter as her sole guardian.
This started with a social media post about a child who refused to wear a seatbelt on a plane, leaving 130 passengers stranded. I commented that I thought the parents handled it poorly.
My friend’s wife inserted herself and told me I didn’t understand because I wasn’t a parent. She suggested maybe those parents had an emergency. My immediate thought was: perhaps the other 130 passengers had emergencies too. You simply cannot assume your circumstances matter more than everyone else’s.
She continued, “It’s hard when you haven’t experienced these things before.” That was insulting enough, considering she knows how often I travel with my nephew. If he refused to wear a seatbelt, I would be one of the adults responsible for leaving that plane. I absolutely do have firsthand experience with children and flying.
She then clarified that she meant I hadn’t experienced “these direct challenges” as a “parent” and therefore my opinion was a “hypothetical situation” That is where I finally told her to f@^& off. And honestly? That was the nicest thing I could have said
She had no right to tell me that because I haven’t given birth, I cannot understand children, parenting, flying with children, or have a valid opinion. Ironically, she has never even flown with her own child. My nephew’s first flight was at six years old.
We made flying exciting. We bought chocolates for the crew, he was even invited to see the cockpit. We prepared him for the experience rather than expecting 130 other people to accommodate him if something went wrong.
What bothers me most is that she knows I don’t have children and knows that is not something I simply chose. She used something deeply personal as a way to invalidate my opinion. Then she told me saying “f%$# off” because it wasn’t kind.
Kindness goes both ways.
I wanted to tell her she almost wasn’t a parent b/c they needed fertility treatments to make her. Wanted to compare her ignorance to someone saying to her “you wouldn’t understand father's day now w your husband cause your dad's dead.“
THATS not kindness, yet exactly what she did to me about being a parent. I chose “f$^% off” because I was done being lectured about my own life & told that my lack of motherhood somehow makes my experiences, judgment, and opinions less valid.
Week later, X hasn’t spoken to me. I can only assume he heard about the “f*$% off” without hearing the entire conversation.
And that is what I find most frustrating: I wasn’t looking for an argument. She came onto my page, challenged my opinion, dismissed my lived experience, & then continued after I made it clear I was done.
So yes, I said f#@$ off. And I stand by it.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Kindness goes both ways. She poked a bear and got bit. If X doesn't reach out after 25 years over this, that tells you everything you need to know about where you stand.
True_Author6033 OP:
Thank you. I didn’t think I was the TA even for a moment but his silence is playing with my mind. Appreciate you.
There are so many parents who would be grateful and feel honored to have an auntie like you to enrich their children's lives. Check out Big Brothers/Big Sisters and the foster care programs to get in touch with the right people.
Absolutely NTA. I get ticked off when parents travel with free range children and expect everyone else to deal with their bul^%$#%.
ESH. She sucked for what she said. You suck because absolutely no one needed your opinion on what happened on a plane you were not on. People on the flight said it wasn't a case of a kid just misbehaving.
They said he was scared and hiding under the seat or something. Who knows. I wasn't there. Not my business. No one needs my uninformed armchair quarterback parenting advice. Signed, a parent who flew with my kids tons.
True_Author6033 OP:
Yes the only report was one person on the flight saying the kid looked terrified. This is why we make flying exciting in our house when my nephew had his first flight. Just like this platform, social media allows opinions. Uninformed armchair or not. I never once said the kid was a brat or spoiled.
As someone who used to be a nanny, trust me I understand how frustrating it is when parents say that someone doesn't know or understand something because they don't have kids. However, I'm going to go with a light ESH.
You didn't give your age, but if your friendship has been 25+ years, that means you are at least 26 and I find your f@!$ off response to be immature and out of pocket. It's giving that there are other underlying issues that you have with this woman.
And to someone else who can see your social media posts, the main thing they are going to take away from the conversation you had with this woman is not that her pov is ridiculous but that when you are even slightly pressed you will immediately go to telling people f(&$ off. And that makes you look like an a#@$ole.
The "other underlying issues" read is probably right. Twenty five years of friendship with someone whose wife clearly doesn't like you is a long time to be managing that tension. This wasn't really about the seatbelt post.
True_Author6033 OP:
We’ll see where you’re wrong because your comment and response slightly pressed me and I have zero urge to tell you where to go
Girl you have anger issues
Ehhh YTA, not for telling her to F off, but for expecting your friend to respond any other way but to support her. Thats his wife. Right or wrong, its part of the job to support her over other people.
Now maybe he disagrees with her actions and thinks she was condescending and rude ( which she was) and is telling her that; as a good partner would, but hes not wrong for keeping his distance until you two clear the air. If he were to support you in public over her, that would place your relationship over their marriage, and it feels like thats what you were expecting which is why I say YTA.
True_Author6033 OP:
I never once wrote in this post what I expected of X
No, but your comment here saying "Thank you. I didn’t think I was the TA even for a moment but his silence is playing with my mind." Lets me know youre more concerned with his reaction than anything. Ergo my response.
True_Author6033 OP:
That’s where you’re still wrong. I don’t care if the air doesn’t get cleared. I really don’t. We can just stop being friends.
If you don't care great, but then why post on here about it? And again, I'll point back to your other comment that very clearly says, his silence is weighing on your mind. Things dont weigh on you if you dont care about it. Finally, the level of back and forth youre having with me tells me I struck a nerve. So I would say you should really do some introspection on your own feelings with regard to this man.
True_Author6033 OP:
Yes he has someone that communicates with me very regularly and his silence was surprising to me. Not surprising enough for me to ask him directly, but surprisingly enough for me to come online and take use of the AITA feed. And I’m happy to note that again an overwhelming amount of people have the same viewpoint about the story that I do and I am done now.
Don’t be friends with married men and expect them to side with you over the wife. That would make him a bad husband. I’m sure there’s been conversations you don’t know about regarding the friendship and this was her way to cut it off. There’s usually a deeper issue behind these types of things. YTA.
True_Author6033 OP:
I dunno they’ve been together for 6 ish yrs and that includes dating to marriage. I’ve only had wonderful interactions with her. Once I told her X is so important to our family that now she is just as important too and she said that made her heart happy. I was being genuine. I never got the impression she wasn’t being the same.