'AITA for telling my mom the truth about why I won't come home for winter break?' UPDATE
"AITA for telling my mom the real reason I'm not coming home for winter break?"
My father passed away when I was 10 year old. So it has just been my mom and I. She had a couple of boyfriends here and there. I had no issues with her dating at all. In fact, I used to joke about not minding a stepfather before I (M, 21) hit 18. So this is not a situation where I want my mother all to myself.
I just completed junior year last spring semester. I told her that I was coming back home on a certain date when I was actually coming back two days earlier. I opened the garage and my mother immediately opened the door. She looked more shocked and concerned than actually happy to see me.
She asked my what I was doing there? I jokingly asked if I should came back later and even teased her about asking if she had company. (We had that kind of a relationship). Then she reluctantly let me in and said it was okay.
When I entered the house, lo and behold, Frank was there. Frank is someone I went to high school with. We weren't close but we didn't have an adversarial relationship. We shared classes together, had common friends, and went to the same parties.
I didn't connect the dots immediately. I asked what is he doing at my house. Then I said I didn't notice a car outside. Frank responded awkwardly, and said his car was in the garage for repair. I asked again what was he doing at my house. My mother finally spoke up and told me she was seeing Frank. I was like WTF and told her not only was he my age but also my former classmate.
She said she knew. I angrily asked why was she dating him of all people. She told me to calm down and explain the situation. Frank said he would take an uber back home. After he left, my mother told me everything. She met him on an app. I tried not to think if she had any run ins with anyone else that I knew.
They went on a short date and he did asked about me because of my last name. She told him she was my mother but he shouldn't worry about it and see where things go. I was disturbed to say the least. They apparently have been seeing each other for six months.
She said she would understand I would need time to come to terms with it and was eventually planning on telling me about the relationship. My mother said she understood why I was upset but I need to accept that they're not doing anything wrong and everyone is an adult.
My relationship changed with her that day. She tried to talk to me but kept her at arms length. She was still seeing Frank. In fact, he came to my house several times. He even stayed the night. I told her I don't want to get involved in their relationship but if she could not have Frank come to our house so often. She got upset and told me to stay out of her business.
The whole summer went by like this. When I went back to the fall semester, she tried calling me but she eventually got the message I don't really want to talk to her. I honestly didn't want to come back home for the winter session. I asked my grandparents(my dad's parents) if I could stay with them for the winter. They were ecstatic to say the least.
Two days ago, I got a call from her asking me about when was the fall semester ending. My mother asked me if it was okay if Frank can move from his dorm and live in our house at the end of the year. Instead of giving her the option to choose between us, I decided to remove myself from the situation. I told her truth about where I was going to stay.
She broke down on the phone asked her why I just couldn't be happy for her. I told her she has the right to date whoever and frankly, its not my business so I am not going to come between her and Frank. I still have the right to my feelings and I am going to keep my distance. She hung up the phone and told my grandparents. My grandparents are still letting me stay at their place though.
Here's what commenters had to say.
I’m sorry. Both because you’re dealing with this and because I’m laughing thinking if you’ve asked her if she’s met his parents yet.
throwRaholeson OP:
You know what, I did say I wonder what his parents would think towards my mother. Surprisingly his parents don't seem to care that much. Or at least that's what my mother has said. I don't know what goes on in that household of his
NTA. That's awful, imo. You can't stop her from dating him, but she can't expect you to watch and agree with it either. Stay with your grandparents.
You're under no obligation to accept her relationships. She's got to make a choice her partner or her son Ball is in her court. Most people wouldn't accept their parent dating a former classmate. Just because it's legal doesn't make it right
throwRaholeson OP:
I kind of feel like my boundaries have been violated. I just have a hard time articulating why.
If it was reversed and your mom had died and your dad was dating someone your age, everyone and their brother would be calling him a middle aged creep having a midlife crisis. Thats all she is, a creep having a mid life crisis with a grossly inappropriate partner. Its disgusting. You are NTA. (I say this as a mom with a kid your age)
Nine months later, OP shared this update.
It’s been 9 months and a lot has happened. I graduated college and got a job that lets me stay close by to my grandparents.
I can’t say the relationship with my mom has gotten any better. She is still dating Frank and I’m keeping my distance. She and Frank went public on being a couple. How I know this? It’s because I had people DMing if the relationship was true. That was totally fun.
I had my grandparents went to my graduation and she went to Frank’s graduation. Which was totally fine I really didn’t want reminders of the situation on my graduation day.
My mother has been respectful with my decisions. She doesn’t come to my place unannounced and avoids talking about Frank with me. That was until two weeks ago. She asked during a visit when will things change for the better. I told her it most likely will never. I mentioned how out of all the potential dating opportunities out there, she chose to get involved with my classmate.
She hid it from me because she knew I wouldn’t approve. Then she sticks with her relationship with Frank because “she’s more than just a mother and is a woman who deserves companionship.” As if I stopped her from dating to begin with. I told her I know longer see her as someone for guidance and a figure to respect.
I told her that I have been in therapy coming to terms with my feelings about her and my relationship. I told her she’s permanently changed the way I see her. I knew she was going to cry but I didn’t care at this point. She got up and was about to say something and then was overcome with more grief and left. I just text her “Happy Birthday” the next two days on her birthday. I did get a “thanks” response.
As for other people, my girlfriend still supports me and is proud of holding my boundaries. My maternal grandparents are in a tight spot. They don’t want to take sides but they understand where I’m coming from.