"AITA for telling my adult son I need a little privacy?"
I'm an older, retired, divorced man. My kids are all adults. 2 years ago, I allowed my son, now 25, to move back in with me in my two bedroom 1,000 ft² apartment.
His mental health has been slowly going downhill, I believe. He has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but refuses to get any kind of treatment for it.
He now has no job, few friends, and spends most of his time bedrotting in his room. He only leaves to occasionally go to movies, comic book stores, or his mother's house for dinner. I don't charge him rent, and I actually give him spending money every month; mostly so that he is able to get out of the apartment and do something once in awhile.
I have not been on a date for 6 years.
Several weeks ago, a woman I dated in the past reached out to me. We reconnected.
We've been talking for weeks, wanting to get together. But we are both busy people, she lives almost 2 hours away, and so it has been very difficult for us to actually go on a date.
This Saturday however, she is coming to my place after work. We may go out to a bar or a restaurant, or we may just decide to stay home. She will most likely be spending the night, and may be here all weekend.
I told my son about this date a week and a half ago, when I made it. I was hoping he would volunteer to get out of the apartment for the night. He didn't. I hinted to him that it might be awkward for him to be here while I am on a date. His answer was that he would just stay in his room the whole time she's here.
I even considered getting him a hotel room to stay in for the night, as my friend is really excited about coming back to my apartment, and would rather be here than in a hotel. But a hotel room on the weekend, at short notice, was going to be super expensive. I just couldn't do it.
The situation has me stressed beyond measure. Finally today, I sat him down and told him that I need him to let me have the apartment Saturday night. That he needs to spend the night at his mother's, or a friend's or wherever he can. It turned into as close to an argument as we ever get.
I repeated my observation about how awkward it would be for him to be here. He replied that when he lived on his own, with roommates, they all had guests who spent the night in their rooms while everyone else went about their business. I told him that was a very different dynamic than a small apartment shared by a father and son.
He finally agreed that he would find somewhere to go. But he is extremely angry now, and feels that I am being unfair expecting him to leave for a night. AITA for insisting that he leaves?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
He needs to be in therapy, on meds, in school, at work, or some combination of the aforementioned. You're doing him a disservice currently. NTA for wanting to get freaky without your kid listening in tho.
It’s understandable to support your child through a rough patch but after two years with no treatment, job or plan, something has to change.
Exactly. Time for boundaries, and absolute expectations of improvement. He needs therapy and some meds. He needs an absolute deadline for gainful employment, and to contribute to household expenses and chores.
He has had more than enough time and support to make progress on his condition/situation. That is a him problem, not a you problem. There is absolutely no reason he cannot stay at his mother’s, and give you the privacy you are paying for NTA.
All I’m gonna say is it’s time for you to stop enabling your son and have him move out. NTA.
NTA- you are entitled to privacy. Having been the female guest in these situations it is awkward for the guest also and hard to … relax. Hope the date is a smash!
You’re NTA for wanting privacy, but your son is like this because YOU allow him to be.
Why are you giving a 25 year old pocket money?
NTA for wanting your space. But it's time to stop enabling him. He gets treatment for his mental issues if he wants to stay and hopefully once those are addressed, he can get a job and get out.
“Son, you need to get your life together. I understand your mental health is suffering and I’d like to support you through this but you also have to help yourself. If you can’t do that, I can’t help you.
First, you will get a job. Even if it is only part time hours, you need to leave the house and become a functional member of society. Second, you will seek counselling or psychotherapy. You must attend at least one counselling/therapy session per week. Third, you will stay with your mother this weekend.
I will give you two months grace period, and after that, you will pay rent. It will not be market rent, but you will contribute to this household.”
It’s well and good to be a supportive parent, but right now you’re enabling his spiral and self pity. Give him a kick in the rear, set expectations and ground rules, and help him get back on his feet.
NTA at all, you’re a grown man and shouldn’t need validation on this. It seems you might be doing your soon a disservice, he needs to be able to take care of himself at this age. He needs to get treatment for his problems and move forward with his life.
Maybe he should go live with his mother for a while. The lack of gratitude here is really offensive. Seriously, this is not the appropriate response you should be getting from your freeloading, adult son.
NTA. Your son is enjoying your retirement more than you are. He needs to get a job and get out. He needs to address his mental health and not make it his excuse for mooching off of you.