'AITA for 'sticking up' for my partner's ex-wife and being unsympathetic to him?'
"AITA for 'sticking up' for my partner's ex-wife and being unsympathetic?"
My partner and I have been together a couple of years now, we rarely have arguments and have a pretty stable relationship. I will give a little context to the situation but I will keep it concise… my partner and his ex wife were married for a long time, they were teenage parents and have an adult son together, they split up because she had an affair.
My partner encouraged his son to maintain a close relationship with his mother. (Edit to add: the Son was an adult when they divorced. My partner was the more active parent when their son was growing up)
Now onto the argument… and me potentially being an AH. Last night, my partner was complaining about his son “not wanting to see” him and that he felt his son had “significantly let [my partner] down in the past few years”.
He was expressing how he feels about the fact his son regularly socializes with his mother and didn’t give my partner much support when he needed it. Naturally I was sympathetic because I can’t imagine how it must have felt being cheated on, and the son does seem closer with his mother.
He regularly expresses these feelings to me and typically I listen and let him vent to me, I don’t really think it’s my place to weigh in too much.
But last night I did add my “two cents”, mainly because I was getting a little frustrated with some of what my partner was saying but also because I honestly don’t believe my partner tries hard enough to maintain his relationship with his son and was getting a little tired of my partners complaining.
I told him that his ex wife probably sees their son more often because she actually asks to see their son, and that my partner doesn’t try as hard as he thinks he does (my partner shows me his texts with his son so I know the frequency at which they communicate).
My partner and I have a baby on the way and I pointed out to my partner that his son may feel a certain way about that, but that it’s my partners responsibility as the father to be the one reaching out to his son.
My partner wasn’t keen on anything I said, and told me his son let him down by not being there for him when he needed support during the divorce… I said that isn’t his sons responsibility. Then things got fairly argumentative and awkward.
I definitely was a little harsh with him at points, and am totally unsure about how appropriate it is for me to share my thoughts on his marriage and relationship with his son… it’s not really my place.
But I want my partner and his son to have a good relationship, and I would like him to be in our lives as he will be my baby’s brother! I feel like my partner needed some tough love but I don’t know if I was too harsh. AITA?
Here's what commenters had to say.
Ahhhh, the old "the telephone works both ways" when the parent complains that their kid doesn't calls them. And then when they actually do speak to their kid, all they talk about is how the kid never calls them enough, while never calling the kid themselves. Guess how I ended up having to cut my mother off completely.
NTAH it was your partners responsibility to be there for his son through the divorce, not the other way around. Your partner needed to get his support from his friends, family, or therapist, his son was dealing with his own issues due to the divorce and what caused it.
Ew. No, you're spot on. Your partner's attitude sounds a lot like my dad's. NTA.
I don’t think what you did was wrong. However, “and I would like him to be in our lives as he will be my baby’s brother!” Please ensure you stay realistic here. Your kid will be his half-brother from a parent he doesn’t really have much of a relationship with. He may not even care when your child is born, so don’t expect some big brotherly bond to happen because you want it to happen.
You need to accept he may want nothing to do with your child, considering the age difference and the fact it’s your from your husband, who from this post doesn’t appear to be much of a father. He’s more likely to have a “uncle you see a few times a year” relationship with your kid, than that of a brother.
rioja_king OP:
Thank you for your input, it’s appreciated. I must though I don’t think it’s out of the realm of possibility that my partners son would want to be active in his half siblings life. I get on very well with him and his girlfriend, they’ve even met my parents, he has expressed interest in being a brother. I am however realistic about the fact there is a massive age difference, so he will probably feel like more of an uncle though
NTA. My adult sons talk to me way more than my ex. When they're together the focus is always on himself. He barely asked them about their lives. He's a professional victim. It sounds like your husband may be doing that?
rioja_king OP:
It’s difficult because I think when his son was younger my partner was the preferred more active parent. And so I get why my partner feels left behind now his ex wife is making more of an effort and maybe feels like he’s “owed” more loyalty from his son.
But my partner really is a professional victim about it, he seems to think because he made the effort before and that because the ex was unfaithful that he doesn’t need to try anymore. Which isn’t how life works
NTA but what a choice to have a baby with someone who has shown himself to be a not very caring father already.
rioja_king OP:
I can see why you have this take away based on this post. But the truth is my partner was a very good father to his son, he did most of the childcare and was a devoted father. It’s just since his son moved out that he’s been a bit too relaxed about their relationship. I think he’s just doing a bad job at navigating the adult son to adult dad part of being a parent.