'AITA for refusing to give my late husband's dog to his daughter from another relationship?'
"AITA for refusing to give my late husband's dog to his daughter from another relationship?"
I’m in my 30s. I was married to Pete (40M) for six years. He passed away about 8 months ago and It’s been hard. Pete had a daughter Lily (19F) from a previous relationship. She lived with her mom in another state. They weren’t super close but they talked. She visited us maybe twice a year.
Pete had a dog (Bear) a 7 year old lab mix. He had Bear before we even got married. That dog was his best friend. They were always together. When Pete passed I was a mess.
The only thing that kept me going some days was Bear. He would just lay with me and let me cry. I feed him, walk him, pay for his vet bills and he sleeps in my bed. It’s been me and him for 8 months.
Lily came to visit for a few days to help pack some of her dad’s things. She saw Bear and started talking about how much her dad loved him and said she wanted to take him back with her to her mom’s house. She told me Bear is a piece of her dad and she deserves to have him.
I told her no calmly. I told her I love Bear too and he is my companion now and she can come see us anytime she wants to. She lives in a small apartment with her mom and two cats and Bear is used to a big yard and quiet house.
I also reminded her she’s in college and busy and I’m home most of the time. Leaving Bear all for her mom or something? She’s Pete’s blood and I do want to keep the relationship with her. Let her visit us sometime but she got really upset.
She said I wanted everything. She said her dad would want her to have the dog. I am sure she’s always welcome here to see Bear but I can’t say for sure if she’ll always want me coming to her to see Bear if she keeps him. Her mom texted me later to talk about it. She said Lily really want to keep the dog.
I feel bad because I know she’s grieving too. But I can’t imagine losing Bear on top of everything. I feel like it would break me. I also think the dog would be stressed being moved to a new place with cats. He’s an old guy.
AITA?
Am I just ruining my relationship with my stepdaughter?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. All the reasons you gave her for saying no we're completely reasonable but grief makes people lash out. It's possible the relationship may be ruined but not by your hand, she can accept it or not.
Agreed! The dogs welfare is paramount. He lost his owner who he loved for 7 years and he's been living with OP for ar least 6 years, she's his dog parent, losing both his parents and home to live with two strangers would be detrimental to him. NTA. My condolences OP to you and your family.
NTA-the dog lost his best friend too. And you have been the one caring for him every day for the last 8 months. He should stay with you. He knows you, he is comfortable with you and feels safe with you.
Exactly. Staying with you is the best decision for the dog.
This. She is reacting emotionally because deep down staying with you is what’s best for the dog.
NTA. You’ve been with that dog for 6 years. And legally? Dog was your husbands property…. which goes to you now. So she’s SOL.
NTA. for so many reasons. Logistically the dog needs a yard and an apartment, and also he doesn’t know your step daughter, whereas you have been this dogs owner for years now.
Also if your husband wanted her to have the dog I'm sure he would have said that.
Either way, the dog has just lost his beloved owner. A move to a small apartment with cats and away from the other pet parent he has would just be cruel. I'm sure your step daughter is hurting but this isn't the way to stay connected to her dad.
NTA, he’s your dog too. She didn’t care about him until she came there, has never had a relationship with the dog. He’s used to your home, and his life. Do not give her the dog under any circumstances. Just make sure he’s now registered in your name, at the vet, etc.
This right here. Op needs to make sure the dog is now registered to her. Tho she can show she was the one making payments. Change ownership at the vet, on the microchip, registration, with grooming salons, etc. make sure you’ve got all your paperwork in order. Op, you’re nta. You’re looking out for Bear’s best interests.
NTA, if she were thinking of Bear as anything more than an animal that spent a lot of time around her father, she would not have asked to uproot him & place him in an incredibly stressful situation. you are 1000% in the right.
NTA. That dog would not have a good quality of life. At this point, it’s more symbolic than anything. Keep your head up high, advocate for his needs and stay calm. People act out of character when they’re grieving. You handled this well.
OP then returned to address readers in the comments.
Thank you for all the comments. I want to clarify a few things. I didn't mention this in the original post because I didn't think it was relevant but Pete didn't leave a will. Legally Bear is my property but that's not why I'm keeping him.
I'm keeping him because he's my family. I've been giving him his meds, taking him to the groomer, and importantly at first he clearly cries sometimes. always looking out like he's expecting Pete to return.
I'm not trying to hurt Lily. I just don't think a dog is an object you can pass around for closure. He's a living thing with feelings and a routine. I'm going to talk to Lily again and try to explain my side better. Maybe offer her one of his favorite toys to remember him by. I hope she understands.
Something I think you should really emphasize is that Bear didn't just become your dog when Pete died--Bear has been your dog for six years. He's your pet, he's your family. He'll be staying with you because you have no intention of surrendering your pet.
Obviously within your relationship, Pete's ownership of Bear took priority, but to people outside the relationship, Bear is and has been your dog and it's not up for discussion.
Offering her a dog toy is not going to be received positively. (Or am I misunderstanding and dad had toys that are appropriate to pass to a daughter?) Isn't there something of her dad's that you could offer? (For example a watch he wore every day or a favorite shirt or something from a hobby)
She will understand. She’s probably lashing out due to grief. You’re making the right choice for you and for Bear. You both need each other.
OP, I mean this kindly -- it doesn't matter if your late husband left a will. His not having left a will does not mean that the disposition of the dog you owned and took care of together is up for debate. There is no way your husband would have wanted his daughter to take Bear away from you. Because he loved you. And he loved Bear.