'AITA for refusing to 'donate' my DNA to help my estranged brother start a family?'
"AITA For Not Wanting To Give My DNA In Order To Try And Reconcile With My Brother?"
I (35m) spoke directly to my brother "James"(37m) for the first time in over 15 years. It was completely my fault. I was a jealous and insecure young man who made a selfish choice with no regard to the long term consequences. What did I do? I hooked up with Alice (37f) who was dating my brother at the time. We did it once and one of the main reasons why it was only once was because we got caught.
James was rightfully upset and understandably had an aggressive response. I could've put him jail but guilt and our parents' pressure kept me from actually going through with it. I was kicked out and scolded by the family (both extended and immediate) and James cut me out of my life.
Over the years I was able to regain some form of communication with my parents and younger sister but James still wanted nothing to do with me. I spent years trying to figure out why I did what I what and got therapy.
I made a new life for myself while traveling, getting a college level education, and starting my own small but successful business. I tried the whole romance thing but have since decided that long term companionship just wasn't for me and discovered my lack of desire to be a father.
I did end up getting the snip and about five years ago I entered an exclusive arrangement with a friend "Tanya" (36f) and she ended up getting pregnant. Turns out the damn things that I got clipped grew back and I now have a beautiful daughter "Emily" (4f) with Tanya.
We live about 10 minutes away from each other and have an amazing co-parenting relationship. My parents are aware of Emily and have met her a few times but have always kept their distance because of James. My sister on the other hand, has made herself quite familiar with my daughter and they do have a relationship.
I gave up years ago about ever seeing/speaking to James again so I was surprised when he reached out to me on social media. He asked if Emily was really mine since she was biracial and looked more like her mother (Tanya is African-American) and I didn't respond.
My parents later reached out to me and asked me to come see them at their house. I came and was surprised to see both James and Alice there waiting for me. Turns out after a while they made up and got married and agreed to just never talk about me. However, for the past few years they've been trying to have kids and it turns out that James can't have biological kids (don't know all the details and I didn't ask).
Alice and James have fought over this for a while as Alice wants a bio child of her own but James refuses to claim and raise a kid that's not related to him. My brother told me that he's willing to finally forgive me and accept me back into his life if I make a "donation" to help him start a family.
My parents were completely onboard with this idea and really want me to do this while I'm hesitant. It's true that I won't be responsible for any potential child that may come of this but I just feel too weird about the situation and honestly I've learned some things about that kind of adults that James and Alice grew to be and I don't think that they'd make good parents. AITAH?
This is what people had to say to OP:
tiredg0th said:
NTA and fastest way to get them off your back is to say you got your vasectomy redone.
Throwing_Goblin said:
It was 15 years ago, he forgave her and married her and NOBODY told you. They haven't and wont change their mind. Your brother will ignore you and claim that his forgiveness is just not actively hating you anymore.
Your parents are only on board and asking because they want grand babies!! They kept their distance from the one they had because of your brother who has nothing to do with her. Id tell them all to go pound sand.
Exotic-Rooster4427 said:
Stay well away. James will accept the sperm. She'll get pregnant and then he'll be angry and walk away leaving her a single mother and you on the hook to support her. Tell them no.
Dangerous-Emu-7924 said:
NTA. First off, no one is entitled to such a “donation”. Second, Alice was as guilty as you but she’s been part of the family that you were banned from all these years???! That is messed up.