"AITA for not babysitting my ex-husband’s kid?"
My (30F) ex-husband (32M) and I have 2 children (4M, 2F). We have been divorced just about 6 months and he is now expecting a baby with his new girlfriend. I’m admittedly not over him. We were together 10 years, my entire adulthood. It was and is a messy split. I’m still bitter and hurt about it and he seems to have completely moved on somehow.
When we had our oldest, neither of us wanted him in daycare (no judgment, we just didn’t feel comfortable) so I stayed home and eventually started my own business that allows me to work 99% remotely. My parents are also local and retired and help me out as much as they can. This arrangement works for me and I get to spend time with both of my kids.
Now, ex’s girlfriend is 5 months pregnant and they got in a huge fight because she asked him to tour daycares and he said absolutely not, he wants her to stay home with the baby, none of his kids are to go in daycare (admittedly the ones here do suck). He called me to vent and I listened then he dropped the bomb.
He asked if I would be willing to take care of their baby since I’m home with our two and get help from my parents and when I have to take the kids to the office I can because I own it. He mentioned that I know how he feels about his kids in one of these daycares and I sort of lost it on him. It was a year and a half of walled-up anger and hurt and I said some nasty things that I’ve since apologized for.
Fast forward to three days later, new girlfriend pulled me to the side when I dropped off my kids to their house and asked why I was so ugly about it and why I thought my kids were better than hers and why her baby doesn’t deserve the same things mine got.
I never said that but apologized if anything I said came off like that, told her I’m happy for them (I’m not but, pleasantries) but was certainly not going to babysit their kid. She’s a nurse so I get she can’t work from home and doesn’t want to give up her career but they should’ve thought about that.
I left before it blew up again but ex called me about two hours later and asked me to come get the kids because he and new girlfriend were fighting and he didn’t want them around for it. I picked them up of course and ex texted me on the drive home and asked AGAIN if I would babysit for them for $200/week. I said no and he called me a bitter b%$#h and said I’m being an a@#$ole because I’m hurt.
I don’t see it this way at all, I reiterated that the request is absurd and I would not be talking about it anymore. This was yesterday and all day today new girlfriend has been texting me and having her friends and family review bomb my business. I’m not worried about it, my clients know my work.
Ex-husband hasn’t said anything else but has been shorter with me in our conversations about our kids. So, AITA for refusing to keep my ex-husband’s new baby?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA. I don't understand how they can possibly expect you to watch their children. This is not your responsibility. Does he know that you're still not over him? Asking because it sounds like he could be using your feelings for him to guilt you into this. Stick with a resounding no.
He knows. I made a stupid mistake right after the divorce was final (right around the time he got new girlfriend pregnant, ouch) and fell for his regret speech, we slept together.
I told him I didn’t want this either and maybe we could work on things and we had been having the “start over” conversation up until new girl found out she was pregnant and he finally told me about it two months ago. My heart is broken but logically I know we’re done here. I will get past it.
NTA. And you should consult a lawyer about the review bombing. Sue them.
The thought of being back in a courtroom with my ex and his new girlfriend makes me want to projectile vomit. I’m like 80% sure Google has a resolution for this, it’s midnight here now but I’ll be looking at my options tomorrow. I’m more annoyed than anything.
Is he even sure that the baby is his? Quite convenient timing.
His mom told him it’s probably wise to get a DNA test. I’m not touching that conversation with a 10 foot pole, got nothing to do with me.
NTA. This timeline is a bit confusing. Did he cheat? I was going to expose this story on social media and let the circus catch fire on them. And I honestly don't understand the American concept of involving friends and family harassing people because a spoiled asshole is mad.
specialagentgarbage OP:
Yes, he was cheating with her for some time, I don’t know exactly how long but definitely before we were divorced.
NTA. You are never obligated to take care of someone else’s child. Also if you haven’t actually provided services to her and her friends/family, send a cease & desist letter. It can be defamation.
The next day, OP shared an update:
Thank you for all the support in the comments. I probably can’t reply to all questions but I will try to answer some as I come across them while I have some free time. A few of the repeat things I’ve seen addressed below: It looks like Google has flagged the influx of reviews for spam and I did call my lawyer to see what she recommends going forward.
Yes, my ex was cheating with his girlfriend for some time before we divorced, I don’t know how long exactly and don’t think I want to know. I’m also a licensed professional so going against her nursing license is a sure fire way to make this worse, lawyer will advise on how to proceed. I don’t mind if this is shared on social media, figured that comes with posting here.
Second and probably final update for now: Google is removing the reviews. Whackadoodle and her idiot family all have the same last name so it was pretty easy to see the reviews weren’t genuine. The ones from her friends with different names were removed too because again, it was poorly executed at best.
Ex has apologized for her behavior and apparently he is “taking some time away” and she thought he was with me. I have no idea where he went after he left my house Tuesday night when the kids went to bed.
He certainly is not staying here. We have only spoken to confirm pick up from swim lessons today. My parents had already planned to have the kids this weekend (ex has a graduation to go to and I am going to the beach with friends) so I don’t have to worry about where they’re going since ex is effectively homeless right now.
Here's what people had to say to OP's update:
NTA. You also don't have to listen to him vent to you about his personal life. That's not your problem anymore and honestly shouldn't even give him the option to do so. I get you still have some sort of feelings for him but he made his choice. You don't owe him any sort of emotional support. He's certainly not thinking of your feelings.
NTA, and talk to your lawyer. Fighting in front of the kids, trying to bully you into watching their child, and then review bombing your business is all horrible behaviour, and if it isn't abusive (I think it is) it is certainly borderline. It's worth looking into having some limits and rules in place now.
NTA. OP, at this point, you should be talking to a lawyer and sending your ex and her a letter to have all reviews taken down, or you'll take them both to court. You need to sign up for that parenting app and send them both a text that moving forward you'll only be discussing the kids, through text, in the app, outside of an emergency.
Block the GF. If your ex texts you, only respond, 'We are only discussing the kids in the app,' over and over again. You can also look into a restraining order.
Four months later, OP shared another update:
UPDATE: I'm 99% sure kid isn’t his. He and new girlfriend are lily white (I’m B/W biracial) and the little girl is pretty obviously mixed race, she looks more like me than him lol. The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed I guess. I am happy and healing and glad to be out of the mess with the both of them so I can get my life back.
Here's what people had to say to OP's update:
This dude is…something. Setting aside the chutzpah required to ask your ex to watch your newborn birthed by their replacement, t he audacity to offer her a whopping $200/week for newborn childcare?! That’s $40/day, or $5/hr assuming an 8 hour day. Those are 1980s rates for a high school kid. The baby’s not his? Quelle surpríse! I hope OOP has moved on.
Having an ex pop by for "movie night" bc he's fighting with his AP/baby mama, after OP has openly admitted her lingering feelings/heartbreak, is all kinds of problematic. It's playing with fire. Boundaries are needed. Maybe they can do movie night pop-ins someday. But OP needs to set hard boundaries if she's ever gonna heal and move on from this clown.
The fact that ‘no, I won’t provide free childcare for my ex’s new baby’ turned into review bombing her business is absolutely wild. OP was right to let lawyers handle that part and keep the focus on her own kids.
The final update was the kind of karma this whole mess was begging for.