"My wife had an affair with her 19-year-old-coworker. AITA?"
I'm (27M) lost after a confession from my wife (29F). I'm stuck in my own head and need an outside perspective. For some context, we're college sweethearts married for 6 years, and we have a daughter (4F). My wife's not only my first love but also my best friend. The family we built means the world to me.
Recently our marriage hit a rough patch when my in-laws (59M/58F) stayed with us for a few months. It put a lot of strain on our relationship. My MIL has always been gracious, but my FIL has never approved.
I'm not in his top five choices for his daughter. He straight up told me I wasn't good enough for her. He even initially refused to walk her down the aisle because of his disapproval. He's our biggest obstacle.
I try ignoring him. We no longer had our own space as a couple and family. My FIL took over everything and undermined me to our daughter. He called it his "grandfather's rights."
He came between my wife and me. She would make excuses for him or say he's still her dad. We were pitted against each other. We stopped communicating, fought often with no resolution, and intimacy went extinct.
We're still in recovery. We're working on reconnecting. We went to this retreat for our anniversary, and overall it was good for us. We were able to talk and have fun with each other again.
Part of the program was intimacy exercises. We basically stared into each other's eyes in a quiet space for an extended period. It's supposed to help us be present with each other. We decided to continue these exercises at home.
So during our last exercise, we're staring into each other's eyes, we're talking about stuff we appreciate, and I start telling her how much she means to me and what specifically I love about her.
She looked like she was in pain the more I went on. She told me to stop praising her and how I didn't know everything. I asked her what she meant, and she confessed to a near-physical affair during our fallout.
She said she was lonely, we were on opposite sides of the earth, and there was a coworker (19M) showering her with attention and affection. At first, she ignored him, but his chasing began feeling good, and she softened. She got a high from it.
She was engrossed, and they'd have their lunch break together every day and hung out often after work. Other coworkers teased her about how she had the guy wrapped around her finger and him being whipped. She dismissed them but felt guilty about what others were perceiving. So she moved their lunches to her car.
She convinced herself the relationship wasn't wrong because nothing physical occurred. In private they shared lingering hugs and touches. She eventually resolved to hook up with him on their next hangout, but she stopped because of her love for our family.
She said while on her way out to meet him, she saw our daughter and me having a good time playing together, and our daughter gave her a drawing of our family that reminded her of what we had and our commitment.
I remember that night too. Her telling me she was invited out for a girl's night, her getting ready, how excited she was, and her suddenly canceling and ignoring her phone. I'm looking back on it a lot differently.
I was too numb to respond. It didn't seem real. She asked me to say something. I asked why she was confessing now. She said it was weighing on her, and me speaking so positively about her made it worse.
I asked if she was still involved with the coworker. She swore she wasn't. She broke things off with him, went no contact, and he transferred to a different department. She said losing our family wasn't worth the risk. I asked if she ever planned to tell me. She admitted no. She convinced herself there wasn't anything to tell because she didn't go through with it.
My MIL knew before me. The guilt was eating away at my wife, so she opened up to her mom. My MIL told her I needed to hear the truth from her and my wife needed to trust in our relationship.
It got to be too much. I told her that I couldn't do this right then and we needed to end the exercise. She kept asking for me not to shut down on her and proclaiming how she loves me and wants our family.
I told her that I didn't want to hear "I love you's" right then. She said the coworker was the biggest mistake she's ever made, and she's fully committed to me. I only told her I needed some space to process.
Sometimes she respects my space request, and sometimes she doesn't. I moved out to the guest room for the time being. She sends affirmation texts about her love and what our vows mean to her.
I'm just still really numb. This is hell. Idk what to do with her confession. I knew things weren't perfect. I knew we were in a bad place and working our way back, but I never expected this. I was here wanting my wife, wanting to work on our marriage and our family, and she was off sneaking around with some 19-year-old kid. Like, what the heck are we doing here?
I don't relate either. I never looked elsewhere. My wife was it for me. To me, she had a place in my life that no one else could fill. I don't have anyone to talk with. My wife was the one I could be wholly myself with and open up to about anything. But I feel I can't do that now. It feels like I was drowning, and just when I was getting back on the boat, I was shoved back into the water. I'm at a complete loss. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Away-Understanding34 said:
I am so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately you are the only one that can decide if you want to stay in this marriage. I would recommend some individual counseling to have a professional to talk through this with. Where was she when FIL was creating problems? Did she defend you at all?
As a start, she would need to commit to changing her behavior where her parents are concerned. I also think she needs to find another job and agree to an open phone policy. Some regular couples counseling will have to happen as well. I am not talking about a retreat. I mean weekly (at least) sessions and she needs to be committed to changing things. Good luck!
CuteBench8683 said:
NTA - emotional cheating is real. And quite frankly this is is equally unacceptable as them having a full on affair That shouldn’t be happening in a monogamous marriage and your wife shouldn’t want to do that either.
Sorry you’re dealing with this especially with a young daughter. I hope to god you can have conversations (or naturally, arguments) away from your daughter preferably somewhere in private. Kids pick up on tension and she will stress about it even if you tell her not too. I was a kid dealing with this except my parents didn’t hide anything and used me as leverage in their arguments. Save your little girl the trauma please.
DarthDialUP said:
Her not admitting to a physical affair wasn't for you it was for her to forgive herself.
ScaredSafety3755 said:
Brother, stop and take a breath. Set your boundaries and stick by them. Only you know if you can forgive her or not. to her credit she did confess and did not cheat. However, there’s a bigger issue. She has no respect for you. the way her father treats you and the way she doesn’t defend you is way worse than what she almost did. The real question is the next time this happens will she look to cheat again?
bittersweetsalem said:
NTA. The way you feel is valid - especially considering she admitted that she wouldn't have told you about the "affair." That whole situation is a whole breach of trust, and it's understandable that you're feeling so overwhelmed by it all - That sounds like a really bad situation.
biteme717 said:
NOR, you were taking the necessary steps to fix your marriage, and she cheated. The problems in your marriage didn't cause her to cheat. She cheated because she WANTED to, and she's using the marital problems to justify it. You now have two different problems to deal with, the problems in your marriage and now her cheating.
She has proven to be a liar, cheater, and deceitful woman who can't be trusted. She ONLY told you because you made her feel bad. Otherwise, she wouldn't have told you. I (personally) would leave and get space away from her until you decide what you want to do.
UPDATE:
Thank you to everyone who reached out. I (27M) wasn't expecting the response. It gave me some clarity. I wanted to give an update. But first I also wanted to clarify something with my in-laws (59M/58F) that I was asked a lot. My wife (29F) and I opened our home because my in-laws were moving closer to us...
So they could see our daughter (4F) more and wanted a place to stay while they got everything in order. Their stay ended up being a lot longer than expected, and I didn't think my FIL would escalate to the point that he did. I didn't realize the toll it'd take on my family. But my in-laws have since moved out. The issue isn't my MIL, though. She has always been gracious. It's just my FIL.
Onto the update. I had time to process and was in a better headspace to talk with my wife. Thankfully we found an opportunity when our daughter wasn't home. I don't want her exposed to our fights.
We were good at keeping her out of them until my in-laws stayed. She was exposed to us fighting then. It's partly why I paused the convo/intimacy exercise after my wife's confession because it was only leading to a fight. I want to cultivate a healthier environment for our daughter.
My wife said she was glad we were talking again and how she didn't want to hide things anymore or have secrets from me. She asked where her confession about the affair left us.
I told her it left us nowhere good. I know I love her, I want our family, and I was committed to repairing our marriage. I thought we were making progress and healing, but I didn't know the full extent of our wounds. The affair is brand new for me.
I'm not only struggling with the affair itself but also the coworker's (19M) age. She sought out a 19-year-old. Idk how to reconcile. Me bringing up his age stung her. She said she's not proud of it. She didn't think of his age at the time. She was lonely, his attention felt good, and she craved it. She doesn't think it was the coworker himself. I said it didn't make a difference.
Idk I knew of this coworker before the affair, and I've seen him in passing. Around his hiring, I remember my wife told me she thought he had a crush on her and that he'd get shy around her. It was innocent. I never gave it another thought.
I told her I wanted to see their text history. She said she had deleted his contact and their texts, but she retrieved a backup from iCloud. It supported her account. The timeline added up to the night they were supposed to hook up. There weren't any weird gaps.
Seeing those texts hurt like hell. Her indulging another guy in that way, the emotional intimacy and everything else. She checked out of our marriage and gave that kid a part of herself I was completely shut out of.
She said she'd do anything to get us back on track. That she's committed to me and working on our marriage. She just wants to make everything right. I said I didn't know how to trust her. She lied, schemed, and had no plans to tell me the truth. She decided to withhold that privilege.
She said she was afraid she crossed a line we couldn't come back from. She had made huge mistakes, and she wanted to fix everything. Prior to marriage, we had promised each other unconditional love. She was afraid she'd lose that from me. That her actions pushed that love out of orbit.
She asked if it was still possible for us to recover and keep rebuilding. I told her I couldn't give her a definite answer anymore. I'm not sure if I can forgive the affair, but I'm willing to give reconciliation a try.
So we're entering couples therapy. I can't attempt reconciliation without it. There's just too much to navigate on our own and the danger of us falling back into bad communication habits.
I want to be hopeful, but idk what to expect. Right now I just feel beat down and broken. Idk if anything would come of therapy, but my family means the world to me. I need to see if it can be saved. Thank you again for everyone's support and the resources shared. It's much appreciated.