'AITA for getting myself banned from my girlfriend's cottage for confronting an angry neighbour?' UPDATED
"AITA for getting myself banned from my girlfriend's cottage for confronting an angry neighbour?"
Sorry for the long story but I'm in a bit of a predicament. This weekend I (25M) was at my girlfriend's cottage. It is her family cottage, owned by her grandfather. He's had the cottage for 50 years. It's in a small cottage town, where her grandfather is apparently well-known and liked. Most people there know each other, and there are a good number of cottages nearby with owners I've met over the past few years.
Yesterday, four of us were playing spikeball in the front of the cottage, while everyone else was inside. We were taking it pretty seriously, and my GFs cousin spiked the ball insanely hard. It went flying, and bounced off the roof of the car of a cottage just across the street.
The neighbour, who apparently bought the place last Summer so the family doesn't know too much about him, was on the porch and saw. He's also an older man, maybe 65ish, and he came running out towards us very, very upset. He was yelling at us for being irresponsible, saying we damaged his car (which is pretty much impossible if you know what a spikeball ball is like, its like a soft rubber mini volleyball).
He started yelling about how he "hates airBNB renters" (which we are not...) and then demanded to know our names and addresses. The cousins told him we are sorry, that they own this cottage here, and that we'll move the spikeball net further away.
When my GF grabbed the net to move it, he said "it would be nice if you didn't do that with such a c**nty look on your face".
This is when I jumped in and said theres no need for that, that his car is in no way damaged, and that he should get off our property now. This made him really mad, and he started screaming, stomping on the ground, he threw the ball at us, and called my GF a lot of names. So I started yelling at him back.
Now we're yelling at each other for a minute or so, and he's not getting off the property. We were both getting pretty loud, and apparently people down at the nearby beach could hear us and came up to the road, as well as a few other people in neighbouring cottages came out. At some point during this, one of the cousins went inside to grab their grandpa.
So this guy isn't leaving, and he's continuing to make fun of my GF, so I just start walking really close to him, getting up in his face, until he starts taking steps back. I keep doing this until he's on the road, as were swearing at each other.
Apparently (and I guess this is true because my GF and her cousins said it but I couldn't here it) but their grandpa was calling me back, yelling my name and getting very upset asking me to relax. I think eventually the neighbour saw our whole family out on the porch, maybe recognized the grandpa, and just went away. A lot of other cottagers were around watching this.
I went back to the cottage, and all the parents and grandpa were very mad at me. They said I caused a scene in a nice neighbourhood where everyone knows each other, and that I embarrassed the family cottage and her grandpa. We all told them the story of what happened, but they said I was being called back to the cottage and continued the scene instead. The night was very quiet and awkward after that.
This Saturday morning, when I came downstairs around 10:30, her grandpa was sitting by the table. He said this morning when he was out gardening, countless neighbours came up to him saying I screamed at another cottage owner and that I scared an older man off the property.
He said when he went into town for coffee, people around had heard about what happened and seemed bothered by it. He said he's beyond embarrassed, feels I tainted his cottage and reputation.
I told him I was defending his granddaughter, defending his cottage, and that I didnt touch anybody or stoop to the level of name calling that the neighbour did. He said I showed him no respect by ignoring him when he called me back.
He said he doesn't want me coming up to his cottage next weekend for the long weekend holiday, and that for the time being I am banned from the cottage next summer as well.
My girlfriend said thats extreme, but her parents agreed with grandpa, and said grandpa is the old italian patriarch, and what he says goes. My girlfriend was very upset, and we left a day earlier than planned like an hour after that.
AITA?? Was it not my place to do anything at this cottage as a guest, and just let my GF parents or grandpa take care of it? I thought I did the right thing in the moment, but maybe I went too far. I'd love to be up there next weekend... but I guess thats not happening.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
ESH. You could’ve de-escalated the situation, but chose not to. But did none of your fellow spikeballers back you up with grandpa??
ArbiterOfChoice OP:
Not really besides just telling him the whole story. My girlfriend backed me up, but really grandpa is like the king of the family. What grandpa says goes. He's usually a very very nice guy to me...
Your gf's grandfather can do whatever he'd like, but I don't blame you for being mad after what he said about your gf. The guy is getting his side of the story out there, and obviously your voice was louder and you were deemed more threatening in the situation. It is what it is. You lose. 🤷♀️
ESH. The old guy neighbor was WAY out of line, but you rose to the bait. Learn some self control and, as my parents taught me, “Consider the source.”
ESH. Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference. Did you think defending your girlfriend so fervently would make you look like the hero? It didn't. Learn to deescalate. Or better yet, use a quick with to humiliate an aggressive person.
Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference, but grandpa could pull up his big boy pants and tell the onlookers what really happened and defend his granddaughters boyfriend?? Like a normal human being? Grandpa is so much more in the wrong than anyone else here.
ArbiterOfChoice OP:
These "onlookers" are people I know, which confuses me even more that I've somehow become a pariah around this community according to grandpa. Like I've said, I've been coming here for a decade. I've re-done other neighbours' roofs after storms (for free), we've had neighbors knock on the door to ask me to fix their toilet, unclog drains, install lights and showerheads.
The number of times I've used my truck to tow people's cars out of their sand driveways is uncountable. Yet somehow I am a villain here now, for the preference of the new neighbour.
Did you really tell him to get off OUR property... At your girlfriend's grandfather's cabin? It's not YOUR property at all.
ArbiterOfChoice OP:
Yes, I did tell him to get off OUR property. I know its not mine, and that wasn't how I meant it. He was aggressive and name calling, I just said what I said to get him off.
Yeah, I wouldn't expect to be invited back ever again.
ArbiterOfChoice OP:
If its any more justification, I've been coming to this cottage for 8 years.
You know YTA at this point. It's unfortunate only hindsight is available. Letting the old man make a fool of himself and look like the a&%^ole, calling the granddaughter names, would have been the way to go. Grandpa would have taken care of it and put neighbor in his place, just not in the moment.
ArbiterOfChoice OP:
I'm not convinced man. Like I said, this guy was throwing stuff back at us, stomping around and kicking the front lawn. He's calling a young woman names you wouldn't call your worst enemy. I'm supposed to wait for 90 year old grandpa to come running down the porch and get, idk, shoved or something by an absolutely irate random neighbour on his property?
3 days later OP posted, "UPDATE: AITA for getting myself banned from my girlfriend's cottage for confronting an angry neighbour? I've been invited back to the cottage, but I'm not thrilled about it."
Today, my girlfriend's grandpa came back into the city from up North. He invited us over for coffee right after work. I took everyone's advice, and when we got there, I vehemently apologized to him for how I acted at his cottage last weekend.
He very quickly ended the conversation and got on with coffee. For a while we just spoke about work and school... nearing when we were going to leave he brought up the fight at the cottage. He told me that over Sunday and Monday, many of the neighbours again came up to him to chat about the incident.
Probably because the cousins were going around telling the whole story to people, he said there was a narrative shift, and the neighbours were concerned about mine and my girlfriends wellbeing after how we got treated.
Apparently, the neighbour right beside his cottage also told him they had an incident with the new guy who we fought with, a couple days before. They had parked their car on the street in front of their cottage, and apparently when the new guy backed out of his driveway he had to turn a little tighter to avoid this car. He went banging on their door yelling at them to move their car and never park there again.
Grandpa said when he told people he banned me, they were upset and defended me. Apparently all the surrounding neighbours are very upset with having this new guy around based on these two incidents.
Grandpa said that after hearing the whole story, thinking more about it, and chatting with neighbours, he is taking back the ban, and that I am more than welcome at his cottage. He then said he'd actually prefer if I were around this upcoming long weekend, considering the new neighbour is unpredictable and causing issues...
I said thank you, said I'd like to come up, apologized again anyway, and we left.
To be completely honest, this conversation kinda bugged me.
I'm weirded out by the surrounding neighbours who I have known for years who very quickly turned their back on me before hearing the whole story, I'm weirded out by grandpa for his extreme quick ban and not thinking it through, I'm weirded out by my gfs aunts and parents who were okay with the ban and didnt care about how the neighbour acted and the things he said.
AND im weirded out by how quickly the narrative changed and how quickly people acted like they werent shit talking me at first.
Now I am wanted up there "just in case something happens" and they need a protector? That kinda sounds like some bullshit to me. Once grandpa realized banning me might actually be bad for his "reputation" he took it back.
I'm thinking about not going up this weekend, but i dont know if that would just make things even worse. I dont really want to be around all those people, and if anrgy neighbour causes another issue, they can deal with it themselves.
WIBTA if now I don't go up?
Here's what people had to say after the update:
Long term it might me more awkward if you refuse to show up after he apologized and asked you to please come. At the end of it all though you're NTA for nor going if you choose not tom
ArbiterOfChoice OP:
He didn't even really apologize. Not that I'm much of a stickler for actually hearing the words "I'm sorry", but he just said hes taking back the ban...
NTA - if something happens none of these people have your back. They are just using you as the first line of defense against a neighbour they're scared of.
If it was me I don't think I'd go. My biggest annoyance would be he didn't believe or care about your side of the story and only changed his stance when it made him look bad. You now know if anything happens in the future he's not going to have your back, only what looks best.
It seems like the grandfather saw you as being aggressive, verbally and physically, to an old man, and reacted to that. (Did he know that the guy called your gf a c** and other derogatory names?) Once he heard the 'other side' of the story He realized that he overreacted and basically told you that.
Maybe his saying he needed you present in case the neighbor acted up was a lame attempt to compliment you/say that you were right with how you behaved. Don't hold a grudge. Emotions were high all around and it seems the rest of the family didn't have a clear picture of what really happened.
Grandpa admitted his mistake and personally invited you to come. Let it go, ignore the neighbor and be glad this got cleared up. And enjoy the long weekend.
ArbiterOfChoice OP:
We did tell him repeatedly what happened right afterwards and what was said to my gf. But yah, I think im leaning towards going.