'AITA for giving up on my marriage because of my husband's mental health?' UPDATED
First post: "AITA for refusing to put effort in my marriage?"
I (28 F) have been married to my husband (27 M) for a few years. Three years ago, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I have been incredibly supportive, and clinically, he is doing fine. He holds down a decent-paying job, but I earn more than him. About a year ago, we bought our first home.
The problem is that my husband is incredibly passive and lazy, and he uses his diagnosis as a shield. He goes to work, comes home, and then obsessively plays video games for hours. That is it. He does not clean unless I explicitly nag him, he cannot cook, and he has no passion for anything outside of his screen.
I recently realized I have completely taken on the role of his mother. I handle the yard work, the cooking, the cleaning, and the mental load. When we bought our house, I did 100% of the work—met the realtor, filled out the paperwork, planned everything. He just showed up.
It’s so bad that when his brother recently asked him a basic question about the home-buying process, my husband had literally no idea how we even did it!!!
Lately, he has been obsessively insisting that we have kids. I strongly want children, but I have firmly refused to have them with him. If we have a baby, I know I will be stuck being pregnant, making every adult decision, working my long hours (with a 1-hour commute), and doing all the childcare while he plays games.
To give him a chance to prove he could step up, I gave him two challenges: I asked him to help with some weeding on his day off this week (Friday-sunday). The weekend is over; he didn't touch the yard and just played games.
I told him he was responsible for cooking for one month to show he can contribute. We are in week two and he hasn't cooked a single thing. Because of this, I've completely stopped caring and "dropped the rope."
I started cooking only small portions for myself and refuse to share with him. I left the yard work. The kitchen is a mess and the house is starting to stink. He finally put a few dishes in the dishwasher tonight, but I feel entirely checked out. I refuse to remind an adult of his basic duties anymore.
I feel massive resentment. I've felt guilty because he supported us financially for two years while I was a full-time student, but back then, the dynamic was fair—he worked, and I handled the schooling AND 100% of the housework.
Now, I work long hours, make $30k+ more than him, and I'm still expected to do everything. Even for my birthday, after telling him exactly what I like (flowers/spa gifts), he waited until the last minute and bought me an $8, tiny bottle of Jergens lotion from Walmart. I feel like I'm raising a child, not living with a partner. I want out.
AITA for giving up, letting the house go to mess, and refusing to have children with him?
Here's what commenters had to say.
You don’t have to stay with him and suffer for the rest of your life.
sell the house, get the hell out.
And absolutely do not have children with this man ever. You deserve far far better.
YWBTA to yourself if you stayed in this shitty arrangement. NTA for checking out. Get your affairs in order, and leave.
For the love of all things, do not have children with this man.
You’re married to a man child. He will not change because he’s comfortable with the status quo. You’re doing everything, and he doesn’t have to lift a finger. If you have kids, you’ll be doing about 99% of the work. He will only do the fun stuff. Get rid of this guy. He has no desire to do better. Don’t let him drag you down with him.
Three months later, OP shared this update: "AITAH for finally giving up on my marriage?"
We sold the house in July, and after speaking with our families, we decided to give it until December. It's now September 1st, and nothing has changed. He decided to go back to school, and the first thing he did was quit working almost three weeks before school resumed. He started working 4 hours a week, two weeks before classes started.
Keep in mind he has no savings and no way of paying for school. Normally I would have already started planning for him: applying for scholarships, figuring out how to save more to pay for it. I've done none of that this time.
He comes home at noon every day and lies in bed doomscrolling or playing video games. He DoorDashes meals or goes out to eat. I kept every portion of what we got back from the house sale, since I paid for it and the mortgage. I believe he thinks I'll use some of it for his school fees, but he hasn't asked.
Last week he complained that it's been a month since we slept together and how frustrated he's been. I laughed and told him it's been frustrating for me too. I cook, clean, pay rent, and work full-time, while he's worked 4 hours a week for the last two weeks and still can't help around the house.
He walked out, then came back and helped me cook. After dinner he brought up intimacy again, and I told him no, one dinner doesn't change anything. I reminded him of what he promised both me and his parents- that he'd be more involved.
A week later, it's still the same. Classes started yesterday, and he hasn't gone to any, nor have I seen him do any homework. My plan was to wait until December, but every time I come home exhausted from work to find him lying in bed playing games and waiting for me to cook, it's killing me. Even after eating, he leaves the dirty dishes on the table and can't be bothered to clean up or do laundry.
I know it's only September 1st, but I can't ignore this anymore. I'm planning to leave for the weekend, because weekends are the worst. I have to meal prep, clean, and he just lies there all day playing games. And then let the apartment know we are separating and i need a 1 bedroom instead, i plan to tell him when i get back next week to leave the house since he can't afford it and that i can't live with him anymore.
I no longer care if it's bipolar, depression, or whatever. I'm tired. His mom keeps emphasizing patience, that bipolar has low periods, but I don't even see the high periods. I have ADHD too!!! and I don't let it cripple me. I'm tired. I can't continue!! I don't care anymore!
AITAH for deciding to give up now, even though it might be mental health related? Should I endure until December, or is a physical separation (not divorce yet, but space to reevaluate the relationship) what I actually need?