'AITA for secretly getting engaged and then married two months later?'

"AITA for secretly getting engaged and then married two months later?"

My husband (29M) and I (27F) have apparently caused a lot more drama than we expected, and now I'm wondering if we were the aholes. A little backstory: when we first started talking about getting married, we considered doing a small destination wedding where anyone who wanted to come could.

But the more we looked into it, the more overwhelmed I became. Planning a wedding felt incredibly stressful, expensive, and honestly... it started to feel like the day was becoming more about everyone else than about us.

My husband truly didn't care what we did as long as we got married. I, on the other hand, realized I didn't want to spend months stressing over guest lists, seating charts, family expectations, budgets, hurt feelings, and all the other things that seem to come with weddings.

Finances also played a role in our decision. My husband has a significant amount of student loan debt from medical school, and I also have student loan debt from my doctoral program.

While we *could* have made a wedding happen, we both felt that putting tens of thousands of dollars toward one day didn't make sense for where we are financially. We'd rather put that money toward our future and paying down debt. So we made a decision.

We got engaged and didn't tell anyone. About two months later, we went on an Alaskan cruise, found a pastor through my husband's church, and got married in Alaska surrounded by the most incredible scenery.

It was literally just the two of us, the pastor, the captain of the boat who dropped us off (he and another person served as our witnesses), plus a photographer and videographer. Our vows were completely private and directed only at each other, which ended up being one of my favorite parts of the entire experience. It was peaceful, intimate, and exactly what we both wanted.

When we got back, we basically surprised everyone with, "We're engaged!...and actually...we already got married." The reactions were... mixed. My mom was heartbroken that she didn't get to see me get married. My husband's very Catholic parents were disappointed not only that they weren't there, but that we also didn't get married in a Catholic church.

Our friends all seemed excited at first, but after the initial shock wore off, we definitely got the feeling that many of them were hurt they weren't included. Nobody really lashed out, but the vibe was very much, "We're happy for you...but we wish we could've been there."

From our perspective, we didn't do it to exclude anyone or because we don't love our families and friends. We genuinely wanted a day that was just ours without the stress, expectations, or financial burden of planning a wedding.

We also knew that once people knew we were engaged, everyone would naturally have opinions and expectations, and we wanted to avoid all of that. That said, I completely understand why people feel hurt. Weddings are important to families too, and I know parents often dream about seeing their children get married.

Looking back, I can see how announcing it after the fact may have felt like we robbed everyone of the chance to celebrate with us. It has always been our intention to have a vow renewal after 10–15 years of marriage, when we're more financially secure and have paid off a significant portion of my husband's medical school loans.

We would love to celebrate with all of our family and friends then, without feeling like we're sacrificing our financial goals early in our marriage. So...AITA for secretly getting engaged, secretly getting married, and only telling everyone afterward?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

WildCherryLane said:

NAH - you had the wedding you wanted but other people are allowed to be hurt. I don’t imagine any parent that remotely likes their kids wouldn’t be hurt that they missed one of the biggest days of their kid’s life and one they probably imagined.

Doesn’t sound like anyone’s said anything other than expressing sadness. You get to make whatever decision you want, you don’t get to do so with no emotional or social impact.

Vic131231 said:

NTA. Do whatever you want. But you didn't see this coming? My family would not give a F. Because they are not close and are not religious. You have a mix of both and you expected everyone to just be ok with that?

maybemaybenot2023 said:

NTA - but it would have kinder to tell at least your parents beforehand.

madempress said:

NTA. I think there were probably better options - communication is an expression of love and you didn't even communicate the engagement. So either you're hiding a lot of anxiety about your families, or you made a hurtful decision that you have to take accountability for.

Not because any of these people had a say in how you got married but because you did it without them in every sense. You temporarily cut them out of your life, its hurtful. Elopement in a manner that breaks bonds and trust is very different from elopement that is due to lack of bonds.

Obviously you can't go back and now communicate meaningfully that you are not having a wedding because the commitment was important and you didn't want a wedding and give them an opportunity to respect that or not, so you probably have some repair work to do.

ThatNuclearGirl said:

NTA, but people will be sad and disappointed. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your decision, but weddings generally include close family and friends, so your decision to do it alone might leave some people feeling like they missed out. You made the right decision for you, but yeah, this reaction is predictable.

ihadone said:

NTA, I did that, got engaged and married without telling anyone until after the fact, and it hurt a lot of people. I wouldn’t do it again and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone, it took years for my mother to get over the hurt, and I’m not even sure that she ever did, it changed our relationship so much.

If you can manage it, have a vow renewal with all your family and friends there, essentially a big party with your parish priest giving you a blessing.

It won’t be the same as the wedding your parents wanted, or the wedding you didn’t want but something between the two that may help soothe some of the hurt they are feeling. You weren’t wrong to do it and they aren’t wrong to feel hurt by it, it’s how you go forward from it that matters.