'My ex is having people keep tabs on me at the gym and I want to report her to staff. AITA?' UPDATED
"Ex is having people keep tabs on me at the gym and I want to report her to staff. AITA?"
I met my now ex at our shared gym. She goes irregularly for an hour or so with varying frequency, and I’ve been going there 5 days a week 2-3 hrs/day for 10+ years, and my family also goes at a discounted rate off of my primary membership. We split up mutually about 7 months ago.
She wanted to remain friends and stay close but I did not want any further relationship. She agreed not to keep going to the gym while I was there in the evenings, and that since she barely went anyways she could easily just go in the mornings instead. We agreed that the gym was more important to me, and she could be flexible to respect my space and my boundaries.
I kept going per my usual schedule and didn’t see her for about 6 months and that was good. Then about 1 month ago I saw her at the gym at my usual time and it was our first contact since we spilt. I asked what she was doing there and she said going at different times or trying a different gym didn’t work for her.
I reminded her that we agreed she would go at a different time or location than me, and she said she thought enough time had passed and we could be friends. I said I still didn’t want to see her and she agreed once again to make other arrangements for herself.
Then she told me that after we broke up she had asked some of the ever present creeps at the gym to watch me and report to her about my gym habits and routine. I told her that was crossing the line and I did not want her to have people watching me or informing her of my activities, but she just shrugged off my concerns.
Now she is starting to appear at the gym at the same time as me more frequently, and I do not like the idea that she is having me watched and trying to ‘bump into me’ more and more when I don’t want to see her. She will talk to people and look over at me while I’m exercising and have other people watching me.
And she herself confirmed that at least two people have been watching me and reporting back to her. I know she can do whatever she wants and doesn’t owe me anything, but why make the initial agreement and the second more recent agreement only to immediately go back on her word? Was she just trying to get more info out of me?
I don’t want to leave the gym I’ve been going to for so long, but I also don’t like being made to feel so uncomfortable by her or her "watchers." AITA if I report this behavior and the people watching me to the gym staff?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
If she were just going at the same time in general, I'd shrug and say she discovered the other times don't work for her. But the staring at you and admitting to having other people watch you is another level and you should report it.
redditfromtoilet OP:
She had a pattern of behavior in the past of wanting to maintain contact with ex-partners and potential suitors. I don’t know if she gets something out of still having contact with me? Apparently she’s never had someone reject her offer for continued contact. I always thought it was weird she maintained close friendships with people who dated or attempted to date her in the past.
Yeah, it’s called being pathetic. There are plenty of people who are validation black holes that can never be satisfied with enough attention because they hate themselves. The best thing to do is ignore her entirely.
Don’t give her the rise she is looking for. Any attention is good attention in her mind. Don’t give her attention. Don’t engage. If she talks to you, then treat her like a stranger. “I’m in the zone, and I don’t want to talk to you.” Play your music with headphones on and do your thing.
redditfromtoilet OP:
Since that first encounter I’ve been ignoring her. I still feel bad when she’s around but I’m blasting heavy metal and using it to fuel way more intense workouts. Trying to make the most of a bad situation!
After 7 months you really could have just pretended you didn’t know her and go about your business and none of the conversations would have even happened. Tiny bit of AH for approaching her after you had been over for 7 months.She sounds weird so just move on.
redditfromtoilet OP:
She actually approached me in the gym 6 months post-breakup. I saw that she was there and felt awful but I just tried to go about my normal routine. She walked up to me and said I was in her space.
If all she is doing is going to the gym at the same time as you then suck it up. She’s not obligated to meeting your wishes.
If she’s bothering you at the gym, that’s a different story and you can report her to the management.
redditfromtoilet OP:
Yeah if she was just doing her usual thing at the gym I’d have to get over it. It’s my own fault for ‘s***ing where I eat’ so to speak. But having other known creeps watch me and tell her what I’m doing seems wrong.
You should definitely both report her and all the other creeps she's recruited into watching you. That is NOT okay and I'm sure the gym staff don't want creepers in their gym either.
redditfromtoilet OP:
Actually she approached me after the 6 months. I saw that she was there and felt upset, but tried to go about my regular routine. She came up to me because I was ‘in her space.'
Not long after posting, OP shared an update:
UPDATE TO ADD: She approached ME at the gym 6 months post breakup. I saw her and was upset, but attempted to just start my normal routine. When I walked over to the area I usually warmup she confronted me and then we spoke. I forgot to mention one ironic detail here is that my ex has never allowed her younger sister to workout at our shared gym because she doesn’t want someone ‘invading her space.'
I attempted to invite her sister to the gym with us multiple times and my ex always got super pissed at me. Her sister wouldn’t even try to stand up for herself because she was too afraid of my ex. Definitely a ‘rules for the, but not for me’ mentality… which could be applied to much of our relationship in hindsight!
Here's what people had to say to OP's update:
NTA, this is stalking and stalking is being taken pretty seriously at the minute. Talk to the gym staff and if that doesn't help, go to the p*lice.
NTA, unfortunately there really isn't anything you can do about it. You have no expectations of privacy in a public place. She can go there whenever she wants. People can report to her about anything you are doing there. Hell they can even take pictures and videos of you if they like. There isn't anything illegal about it.
Its definitely a d*ck move for sure. Now the gym can make any policies they wish as well. So maybe you can talk to the management and see if there is anything they can do. She sounds unhinged man. Was the contact with exs the reason you broke up with her?
Her behavior toward you and having people keep tabs on you is bizarre. So you’re definitely NTA there. At the same time, it doesn’t matter if you “agreed” to go to the gym at a different times. She pays a membership just like you. She can go whenever the hell she wants.