'AITA for dropping the family I've babysat for, because the parents set me up for failure?'
"AITA for dropping the family I've babysat for, because the parents set me up for failure?"
I (21F) haven't been able to find a job in my field after graduating college as an assistant teacher. Schools simply don't want me and I'm under qualified for working in daycares. Luckily, I live in a region where quite literally knows each other. My grandma put on an ad for me on Facebook and within no-time, I became a full time babysitter.
I've done this for two years now and I've gotten quite the reputation. And in those two years I've come across something that has been the weirdest thing that has happened in my career. I've been babysitting for this family, let's call them the Smiths, for a year now. It's a mom (29F), dad (36M) with their 18 month old daughter.
I babysat for them only on evenings and from the beginning they told me that their daughter has trouble staying asleep when they're not home. The weird thing then was that they said it was because "She needs our aura", which I just brushed off as them being first time parents. Ever since day one, the kid would just hysterically cry after I've put her to sleep.
When I came to check up on her, she would have sick on herself from crying so much. I would then change her, soothe her and put her back to bed. Only for the cycle to repeat again. The first months I would only babysit her once a month, until it became biweekly the last few months. This situation would never change tho, it was always the same.
The parents kept their word of the kid just yearning their presence and theirs alone, until the biweekly phase. I would look exhausted and they would say "Are you sure you did everything to prevent this?" which I told them I did. They then told me they would search for someone else, because they didn't think I was professional enough to handle this situation.
And to be honest, they made me doubt my skills as a graduate teaching assistant and full-time babysitter for two years. I then came up with a plan, I had to get to the bottom of this. And so I started noticing a pattern. I would put the kid to bed without issues around 18.30 and then around 19.00 each time she would hysterically cry.
I found it to be odd to be almost exactly 30 minutes each time, as no kid I've babysat for ever had this pattern before. One night, instead of going downstairs after putting the kid to bed, I grabbed my Ipad to draw and patiently sat in the hallway next to the door. Then after 30 minutes (!), I heard adult voices coming from her room.
Without entering the room I listened and it was her parents talking to her, through the baby monitor!!! They were telling her how much they missed her and they'd be home soon to cuddle her. I got very pissed, as they told me they never used the baby monitor. I waited until they stopped talking before entering the room to do the routine I did every time.
This time I took the child with me downstairs, dimmed all lights and laid her down to sleep in her padded playbox. Which luckily worked as she slept unbothered the entire time. Let me tell you, the parents came home furious as hell. They told me how unprofessional it was for me to let a baby sleep in a dirty not ventilated no AC living room (the entire house had the same temperature and it wasn't hot).
Here comes the part where I might be TA. I lost my cool and asked them what the 'f was wrong with them trying to distress their sleeping daughter just because they felt like talking to her. I told them they were horrible parents for causing their daughter sleep deprivation. They then told me that kids always need their parents and they could sense that their daughter was about to cry anyways.
I stormed off without pay, as I didn’t want to verbally fight two idiots at 1AM. I did however text them asking to meet up the next day, to talk this through as "We we were all tired and not thinking straight." I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt, but they blocked me instead.
I'm not worried about them bad mouthing me to the other families I babysit for, as they're not on social media and they're social hermits so to say. I also don't care about the money I lost that evening lol. I do worry if I might went too far with saying what I said about them being horrible parents. So AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Long time Early Childhood educator here. You would not believe how common it is for parents to sabotage their children so that the parents can feel needed and special. They don't actually want their kids to be comfortable and have fun with other adults because then the parents think that their child won't love them best anymore. It's incredibly sad.
When I told my parents about this they told me that they had a similar experience back when I was in a daycare/pre-school thing (cutely called 'toddlerschool' in the Netherlands). A child would come in with both his parents and then when the parents left they did so dramatically.
Then when they picked him up, they reacted (my mom's words) like he got lost for several days and finally found him. It's insane that this is rather common. I personally just hadn't experienced it before.
You should have quit the moment they told you they would be looking for someone else.
Looking back I really should've, but because they were first time parents I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt.
Something is very wrong with these people. Talking about "aura" and behaving like social hermits nake me believe that they'll raise this child to be 100% dependant on them or even making her sick so that she needs them more.
I might seem to jump ahead here, but I don't think so. If you care about that child please involve the Child Protective Services in your country. Even if you just have a talk with a social worker to see if there is something there that could be concerning. See what they say.
I would love to get CPS involved, but one incident doesn't meet the quota. CPS is bad in my country, they're in the news a lot for neglecting children who are being physically and mentally abused.
They don't care until it's too late. I have learned how to be a reporter, but the "problem" fixes itself when I'm not sitting. CPS would see me, a babysitter, that is calling them about two loving and protective parents (too loving and protective imo). So CPS can't and won't do anything about this.
I'm really sorry about this. And very concerned too...
It's a crazy world we live in.
Daycares hire high school graduates. How are you under qualified?
Regardless, the parents are insane. Drop them and let people know so they don’t do this to the next babysitter. I’m guessing they have never that you never wake a sleeping child.
I guess we both live in different countries, in the Netherlands you need at least a college degree in child care to work in a daycare. I do not qualify for the age group of 0-4 years as I went to school for school aged kids aged 4-12/13.
Ask a gossipy but liked older than you person in your neighborhood for advice. You don’t have to take it, you are just offering a little sugar to sweeten the grapevine. The problem you’re worried about will fix itself as word of mouth spreads.
NTA. Those parents are setting that kid up for failure and melt downs. Not to mention depriving a growing kid of their much needed sleep, especially at that age. I don't blame you for popping off. It is extremely frustrating when parents behave like this. They are projecting their own attachment issues and anxiety onto the poor kid.
Block them and move on. They will go through a long line of babysitters until they learn how to handle being away from their own kid and letting their kid devlope properly and be able to be without Mommy and Daddy for a few hours. If you see them posting asking for sitters, just quietly private message anyone that has responded and give them a heads up if you are so inclined.
Don't bash them out in the open, but discussing issues you have personally had privately so the next person can decide if the job is worth it is a good way to build relationships in the child care community.
This is the way! I had an issue with someone when I moved back to my hometown. I asked my elders for advice. They took care of the flying monkeys. Five years later, they look all knowing because my bully got fired for the exact thing they saw happen to me. OP: this is exactly how tight communities help every generation. NTA.
I'm a person that doesn't like much conflict, but I will keep this in mind, thank you!
This is weird for several reasons:
That they deliberately woke their child up and caused her to become distressed.
They did this repeatedly, so it is clearly something they are doing deliberately.
The amount of monitoring they must have done to ensure that they were able to wake the child at about 30 mins after she was settled.
A normal set of parents would not do this. It speaks of an issue that go beyond normal, sane behaviour. I would, frankly, advice against meeting them again. It will be them accusing you ('you don't understand our daughter the way we do', 'you out her at risk settling her downstairs' etc.)
They will not see reason, because their behaviour is already demonstratively unreasonable. You cannot make them see reason, they are already unhinged. Cancel the appointment and tell them never to contact you again via text, them block their number.