'AITA because I don't want to cook Thanksgiving dinner and transport it to my daughter's new home?' UPDATED (HOURS LATER)
"AITA because I do not want to cook a full Thanksgiving dinner and transport it to my daughter's new home?"
I will start by saying that I have been the sole preparer of all dishes, Turkey and sides for the last 27 years. 100% of all other holiday dinners as well. While I do not mind it, I struggle with keeping everything hot at the same time since I have never relied on anyone to bring anything.
As everyone knows, it does take the whole day. I am not a terrible cook and I feel like the only struggle is making sure all comes out piping hot. It is a few loads of dishes, but even that I do not mind.
My daughter and her fiancé, mid 20s, moved into a new home back in August. They have a beautiful, brand new full kitchen. She had mentioned that she wanted to have this year's event there to show off her new home. Sounds great, right? My husband then informed me that while she still planned on hosting, she would be gone at her fiancé's family event all day.
She would not be home/available to cook in her new kitchen. As a result, I was advised that I was still required to do 100% of the cooking. However, this year, I am now expected to wrap everything up, clean my kitchen, keep it hot, drive it across town and carry it up 3 flights of stairs and serve all of this at her house.
I told my husband that while I do not mind making half the items, or even the turkey, it just seems impractical to make a whole dinner in my kitchen, carry it over there when I just could have set the hot food out at my house.
I tried several "work arounds" like saying I would store some items over there the day before. Another one was that she could make 2 or 3 things so that I do not have to carry so much. None of these options seemed suitable to my husband. He then threatened me, swore at me and attempted to cancel the holiday altogether.
He then called my daughter and tried to manipulate the situation saying that I "must not care about her new house." I do care very much and I am very excited for her. It just does not seem like "hosting" when I am being forced to make everything and then take it over there. As I mentioned, half or 2/3 of the items I am willing to deal with.
What was always A LOT of work is now turning into EVEN MORE work when I thought I might have at least a little easier of a year. My husband will not bend. These are "his rules" and any other flexible suggestion I offer is met with obscenities, name calling and downright contempt. AITA for not wanting to go through all of this?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Wow. The issue here isn’t Thanksgiving. It is your husband and his horrible treatment of you.
I’d call his bluff, let him cancel. Tell your daughter exactly why, too. NTA.
NTA-CANCEL IT!! If your husband wants to act like this, he gets to cook and transport it all or he gets nothing. Don't cook a nice big meal for a man who treats you like that.
NTA. Your husband's an AH, and your daughter is a spoiled brat.
Your daughter bought a house but you need to climb three flights of stairs to get there? Plus cartoonishly evil husband? Slop.
Not long after posting, OP shared an update:
I appreciate confirmation of NTA. I keep seeing questions over and over about why I put up with this. As you can see, no matter what I do, he will try to get the kids upset with me. Part of me does 100% know that I have not been treated fairly at all. However, being in a situation with this much control, for so many years, has caused me to doubt my sanity on things.
Any time I don't want to do something, I get told that I am "selfish" or "being mean." I also do not have a good support system of people to talk to who will confirm that I did or said the right thing. My mom is deceased and I really do not have a close circle of friends. I mean, if I did, I would not be desperate enough to go online for advice.
Here's what people had to say to OP's update:
I'm so sorry and sad to read this. Your husband is a lost cause - he's toxic and manipulative and knows exactly what he's doing. But your kids, as awful as they may behave now, were innocent and easily influenced when younger.
Maybe there's a chance for them to be decent people if they can open their eyes to how terrible their behavior is. You can't make them do that, but maybe you can help. I'd start by sending them this post.
You are allowed to upset and disappoint other people. If your daughter, husband, and son in law all get upset with you, the earth won’t stop spinning. Let them be upset. Otherwise you will be upset. Why is it more important that they are not upset versus you not being upset?
Divorce is an option. you don't have to live like this.
I'm so sorry, OP :( I really hope you find the strength to leave this abusive situation. Don't stay in something so unhealthy for the kids sake...not sure how old your other kids are, but your daughter is an adult now with her own life, you should start living YOURS too!