'AITA for distancing myself from my sister because I don't like her lifestyle?'

"AITA for distancing myself from my sister because I don't like her lifestyle?"

My sister and I have always been incredibly close. We’re only a year apart and grew up inseparable, never had a real fight. We were each other’s maids of honor, and godmothers to each other’s kids. My sister is the kindest, most trusting person. Too trusting to the point of being naive. While I am a cynical petty queen.

About a year ago, her husband of 10 years cheated on her. She was shattered and I was murderous. But she wanted to save the marriage, and even though I will never look at him the same, I supported her decision. But instead of actually rebuilding trust, somehow he convinced her to an open marriage. This is where I just cannot get on board.

I tried to talk her out of it, but he has her brainwashed somehow. My sister started sending me obscure articles from the corners of the internet that are pro-open marriages, see it's more common than you think. And she says I should be happy for her because she’s finally getting to experience dating and feeling desired (she married her high school boyfriend and never dated anyone else).

She also says her new boyfriend is incredibly supportive, and that she’s never felt more emotionally seen, and if I met him I'd see it. I don't want to meet her boyfriend while she still has a husband! I know she’s been manipulated into this so her husband can have his cake and eat it too. This all started because he broke her, and now she’s trying to make peace with something she never would have wanted before.

I also can’t get past the fact that they're hiding all of this from both families. I’m the only one who knows. If a relationship has to be kept secret from everyone in your life, that’s not a healthy relationship. And I don't respect a man who is knowingly involved with a married woman, even if it’s consensual.

At this point, I’m not actively trying to talk her out of it anymore. She’s an adult and will make her own choices. But I don’t support this lifestyle, it genuinely makes me feel sick, I don’t want to be want to be any part of it, and I definitely don't want my kids getting any smear of influence from this.

I can’t go NC because our family doesn't know, but I’ve pulled away noticeably. Some family members have started noticing and are calling me out for acting differently, and not being able to tell them why is making me out to be the AH. AITA for not wanting to be part of my sister’s life while she's in a secret open marriage?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

yeahher2022 said:

NTA, your feelings are valid. However, based on how a lot of these relationships go, she’s really going to need you soon. Either BIL’s gonna find the new love of his life & leave your sister, or he’s going to get jealous of how much attention she gets, and leave because his ego’s hurt.

Either way, this is NOT going to go in her favor. You can COMPLETELY place boundaries (No telling your kids about this or endorsing the lifestyle to them), and you can talk about not wanting to know details, but just be there, waiting for the inevitable to happen. Best of luck, OP!

TraditionalAffect289 said:

NTA. I completely agree that your feelings/concerns are valid. In regard to the other people noticing a change, i think you can just say that’s between you and her and if they really push tell them to talk to your sister. It’s not your news/secret to tell and if you do that’s only going to push her farther away.

And to your point, if she truly wants this lifestyle and is happy then she shouldn’t have a problem sharing it. In the instance the BIL does leave or something bad happens, she is going to need you.

Ok_Katy_3649 said:

I don't think you are an AH for your reaction. You have a right to your feelings, particularly about the secrecy. However, the choices your sister makes about her own marriage do not require your approval. You cannot dictate how she behaves unless and until she does something that is illegal or which actively harms someone else.

I personally would not agree to an open marriage. But your sister did, and it sounds like she is actually enjoying it. You have the right to change how you feel about your sister and whether you change how you interact with her. It is okay to have a frank conversation with her about why you need to make these changes. You do not have the right to demand that she change because you don't approve.

jonwar5 said:

Open marriages don't fix infidelity. You may want to let her know there's a thing called ETHICAL non monogamy but he's not interested in practicing it. Or conversely she may be happy in her new life. Being her sister and support her growth might be the only way to go at this point. Idk, sounds like this is above the internet's pay grade.

hippofippo said:

It’s her lifestyle and her choice. You don’t have to understand it. Perhaps she has come round to the idea of it. If she’s just keeping face, then it’ll end eventually. It sounds like you have had a tight sisterly relationship. Don’t walk away or too far from her over this. It’s not worth losing her over.

Vyckerz said:

NTA - I would not be OK with that kind of degenerative behavior from my sibling either. I know you say she was forced into it, but she’s an adult. Personally, I would go low/no contact and if people ask questions you can just refer them to her.

Select_Draw3385 said:

YTA. You think so little of her sister that she can’t think for herself and make her own decisions? Then maybe you’re just angry because you’re not able to control her into doing what you want in this situation? She’s not hurting anyone (maybe her self but that’s her business) and you’re just going to cut her out? Says way more about you than her.