'AITA because I didn't do lunch with friends because of seating?'
"AITA because I didn't do lunch with friends because of seating?"
So, I (20F) have always been a heavier person. This is not in a demeaning way, just honest. I began losing weight when I started college and am now down 75lbs and am only 100lbs away from my goal. Despite this, many haven't noticed or just don't care about what I've done.
One of these people in question is "Guy" (19M). Guy was one of my friends, but he started making many comments about my weight back in April. At first, it could be taken as harmless, but it slowly got more malicious and mean. He would even find ways to bring it up without me even having to mention my weight directly.
It got to a point that it started causing a negative image of myself to resurface and having to put serious distance between us. Despite this, my closest college friend "Ryan" (20M) has tried to get me to give Guy another chance. I refused for the longest time but opted to try when this school year started.
One of the things to keep in mind is that our entire friend group generally tries to eat meals together. There is six of us in the group, but Guy usually gets there first, so he gets to call where we sit, and he always picks spots that are way too small to fit six.
Because of how tight the squeeze is, I have asked multiple times if we can move to a different spot. Guy always tells me that it shouldn't be an issue to begin with and heavily implies that it's only a tight squeeze because of my weight. Other times, I just get ignored.
I now try not to eat with the group anymore. Or if I do, it has to be meals where I know Guy won't be there.
Well, one day Ryan texted the group chat and asked if anyone was joining him for lunch. I didn't get a good idea of who all would be there, so I said yes. However, once I got to the dining hall, I saw a message from Guy saying he found a seat for all of us. I tried to not get too nervous, but when I got there, the table was tiny. Like, it could barely fit Guy and Ryan, and they were both really skinny guys!
I just contemplated for a moment, turned, walked to a different section of the dining hall, ran into two of my friends, and ate with them instead.
I started getting texted by Ryan, Guy, and one other person asking where I was. I almost ignored it but ended up just texting back that I decided to have lunch with someone else instead.
The three of them saw me and were glaring at me or just looked really disappointed the rest of the time they were there. I almost went to sit with them or go over to apologize, but then I saw their table and they invited a fourth person... and everyone was squeezing close together to the point that two of them were halfway off their seats. So, I decided against it.
Ryan has since forgiven me (he was never mad in the first place) but Guy is still really angry with me and won't speak to me. This whole incident happened a few days ago and I'm wondering. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA But. Ryan nor Guy are your friends. They are acquaintances who would rather abuse you for their own entertainment.
Block their numbers and move on.
Nailed it. Ryan isn’t a good friend, he’s just choosing the path of least resistance. Honestly, walking away to eat with those other two people was a power move, and I hope OP realizes she’s already outgrown this toxic dynamic.
Imagine getting a setup that they knew OP won’t be comfortable with and then getting mad at her because she left the table. And she didn’t even make a scene, she quietly removed herself from a situation she wasn’t comfortable with.
It was actually bizarre to me when I saw how angry he got at me over it... but this definitely puts a perspective on things
YTA but to yourself! These people are not your friends, why are you continuing to try and hang out with them?
Mainly because I understood most of everyone else's perspectives about the whole situation? Like, everyone else agreed with me that we should move but were trying to keep the peace with Guy and someone else in the group who is very adamant about not moving (and I can't be mad about that, at least, I was never angry enough about it).
And if a comment was made, they would always defend me if I didn't already defend myself
What is the perspective you’re understanding? I don’t see it. If someone has seating needs, friends consider that when choosing seats. The first time around. Making “you” make everyone move is on all of them for not picking adequate seating in the first place. If I showed up and knew something would not work for someone in the group I would pick a different spot without even needing to be asked.
Mainly just them wanting to keep peace, because I just don't want my friends to have a bad meal because of ongoing conflict with me and one other person (especially because some people are only able to show up 1-2 times a week for meals with us with wanting to catch up with other friends and everything)
But the conflict isn't between you and one other person? It's one person being a bully, and choosing you as his target.
It might just be a "me misunderstanding what the situation actually is" kind of thing. I was always taught to keep the peace in any situation and that might've helped how I approached this tbh
NTA. Four skinny people could barely fit at that table. Pretty sure your weight wasn't the problem here.
They defend you but are preferring the company of Guy over you by not sitting somewhere you’re comfortable. Not your friends.
Babe you need to GET angry
I am angry fs, I just didn't call anyone out until yesterday (albeit, for a different issue, but within the same ballpark)
NTA. Guy isn’t your friend. Friends don’t abuse each other. Ditch this guy and spend time with your actual friends or make new ones.
Thankfully I started doing theater again this year and have been making a ton of new (and much nicer) friends!
Theatre friends are the best! You sound like a cool person, OP. Don't let these losers dull your shine.
Thank you, that's so sweet!! I'm definitely very excited to be doing this again because I haven't done theater in almost 4 years and my friend (who talked me into the audition I'm about to leave for) is the stage manager for this play and he's awesome ^^
NTA. Congrats on the weight loss! That's a huge accomplishment. Keep up the good and hard work.
Guy likes control and demeaning someone and you're his current target. That's not a friend. The others may find themselves his target when you're no longer available.
That's definitely something I've heard about since I started putting distance, like if I wasn't there, Ryan was the target for the longest time to the point he was in my position (Guy had just targeted Ryan over something different but at the same intensity)
Sounds like Ryan wants you there to take the heat off himself.
That's definitely something I've wondered, too. Because Ryan has admitted that two people in the group (Guy and someone who was only briefly mentioned in this story) do target him a lot. I've only seen small bits of it, so I always defended Ryan when I actually saw it but if I didn't and just heard about it, I'd comfort him. So, I'm definitely thinking that could have a part to play in it
NTA. They're not your friends. Good friends would be trying to uplift you with your goals. Your goal is to lose weight, they should be a noticing and encouraging. There’s no way they didn’t notice 75 pounds lost. That’s a huge accomplishment.
They're a waste of your time. Guy probably has a thing for you and you should tell him to kick rocks.
I'd hope he didn't have feelings for me 😂 I've started seeing this amazing woman earlier this month and ever since then, he's been more intense about it
But the two friends who I mentioned sitting with instead at the end of the post did notice and compliment me a ton about it! I just didn't get to see either of them a ton near the end of last year when the weight loss was really noticeable
He won’t speak to you because you didn’t sit with him?! Is he 5? It would change my opinion if he was 5. Otherwise, NTA. If he wants to pick where everyone eats, he needs to make it work for everyone.
Honestly, it doesn't sound like he likes her that much anyway. I would find another friend group, if I were OP. NTA.
Definitely doesn't seem like it anymore, it was almost like a 360 with him because he did not act like this for months into the friendship
After reading the comments OP added this edit:
EDIT: Thanks to everyone who gave advice and kind words! You're all so sweet and I realized that I'm definitely NTA on this one. I'll keep everyone's words in mind going forward, thanks again!