'AITA for cutting off my BFF of 20+ years after she secretly married my brother?'
"AITA for no longer being best friends with my friend of 20+ years after she secretly married my older brother?"
AITA for stepping back from my best friend after she secretly married my brother? I'm 31. My best friend, Sally, and I have known each other since we were eight. She's described her family as mistreating her, so mine has included her for over 20 years. My brother Noah, 32, and I were also close. We have two younger siblings. Our parents are divorced, and Dad's wife isn't comfortable around Mom.
When Sally is single, we talk for hours and make plans. In relationships, she barely responds, cancels, or spends our time together talking to her boyfriend. Last year, she and Noah started sleeping together again.
He wasn't committed, but she'd regularly call me upset about other women. I asked him if he was serious. He said no, so I asked him to stop messing with her feelings. He ended it, a week later decided he wanted to date her.
She pulled away again. During a visit, she spent much of it calling him. They offered to help cook Thanksgiving dinner but arrived at 7 p.m., when most was done. To be fair, I didn't tell her how much this bothered me.
In November, Sally said they thought it'd be funny to marry and keep it secret for a year. I said Mom wanted to be included, even at a courthouse. Sally said that was up to Noah.
In January, they called to say they'd married at the courthouse. I later learned my sister knew about their engagement in December but was asked to keep it secret. We'd all spent Christmas together without anyone telling me.
I was hurt that my best friend and brother kept this from me. Mom was hurt too and offered to pay for a celebration. I sent Sally ideas, but she privately said she didn't want a wedding and was doing it so Mom could get the "wedding feels."
I told Sally I was hurt, our friendship felt different, and I didn't want to help plan it. I told Mom what Sally said. Mom withdrew her offer because she didn't want to fund something they didn't want.
Sally told Noah she was hurt about our friendship changing instead of telling me. He started acting differently toward me. Noah initially apologized to Mom. But when she visited the next week and explained her hurt, he laughed and said he was happy with how they'd done it. He didn't make time for her during her visit.
Sally says she won't apologize for how she married. I wanted her to understand why I was hurt. She asked if I understood her side. I said yes, but I didn't agree. When I asked if she understood mine, she said no. Dad told Noah to stand by his wife and give it time instead of discussing it. He told me to get over it.
I know their wedding was their decision, but I can't force the friendship to feel the same. I've reached out a few times, but Sally is still upset and won't talk to me. Noah no longer reaches out and says I can't really visit because Sally is still hurt. So now I feel like stepping back from my friendship with her means losing my relationship with my brother too.
AITA for telling her our friendship has changed?
Here's what commenters had to say.
NTA. You don't owe a friendship to someone who treats you like a placeholder, lies to your face for months, and uses your brother to push you out of the family.
Sally and Noah are selfish. Let them be. She clearly has low self esteem. You are allowed to feel the way you do, I would be gutted, especially since your other sister knew, they all kept their little secret from you and your mum because they knew it would hurt you but they did it anyway.
NTA But why aren't you mad at your brother. HE did this too knowing it would hurt your mother. You don't have to be best friends with your now SIL. You do have to be civil though now she's part of your family. Leave her alone and get on with your life.
Most likely your brother and you would be less in one another's lives whenever a serious / living with / marriage relationship happens so you haven't really lost anything there that wouldn't have happened anyway, but I understand your feelings towards you SIL because she has not acted like a friend. I don't understand why you don't hold your brother accountable for any of it.
NTA and you're best to stay miles away from that 'relationship'. No one, in a serious relationship, thinks it would be 'funny' to get married and 'not tell anyone for a year'. Like, why? What's the purpose? If it's a matter of them thinking that people will make things messy, then for sure, go ahead and elope, but it's not 'funny'...it's a decision.
Sally and Noah also have to deal with the mess they threw in front of everyone, getting mixed reactions. THEY changed the dynamics not just by dating, but by marrying AND playing with people's emotions by hiding it for some unknown 'laughable' reason?
Stay back, let them be who they're going to be, my feeling is there are bigger issues between them and you don't want a part of it.