'AITA for cursing out my friend's mom at my friend's wedding, in front of everyone?'
"AITA for cursing out my friend's mom at my friend's wedding, in front of the entire wedding party?"
UPDATE AT THE BOTTOM OF POST. *Throw away account and fake names. I'll also try to keep events in the order in which they happened so you have a timeline, instead of jumping forwards and backwards between events.*
Buckle up, this is a long one. I (31F) was a bridesmaid for Rachel (31F). Rachel and I met in college (High school senior year) when we were 16 and became tight friends, hanging out between classes and on weekends and generally spending a lot of time together as teenagers do.
During this time I met Rachel's mother Susan (57F), who, at the time seemed like a pleasant and kind woman. She was kind to me, would ask me how I was doing, how my studies were going and would occasionally invite me out shopping with her and Rachel. She even supported me when my Dad was experiencing health issues and would spend weeks in hospital. She was a lovely woman.
After college I went to university in my home town, while Rachel moved away to a university that did the course she wanted to do. I didn't see my friend as much anymore, but we still texted frequently and found time to hang out when Rachel came home some weekends and holidays. I started dating and just living the life of a university student. It was a great time in my life... until the accident.
I was 20 at this point and only have flashes of memory of what happened, so this is all from what I've been told. One night during the summer break, my boyfriend and I had been out and he was driving me home. We were hit by a speeding stolen car. We collided with, and ended up under, the road safety barrier. My boyfriend died instantly. I was impaled through the shoulder by part of the barrier.
The driver of the other car was never caught. When first responders arrived, I was conscious and alert. I knew I was in trouble, I knew my boyfriend had passed away. The first responders extracted me from the car and I was rushed to hospital. I spent weeks in hospital going through several surgeries saving my arm, so I was unable to attend my boyfriend's funeral.
His parents came and visited me a couple of times to see how I was doing, but we mostly just cried. I still miss him to this day and I put flowers on his grave on his birthday and the day he was taken. Rachel would also come visit me in the hospital every chance she got and when I was well enough to go home, Rachel was there with my parents to pick me up and take me home.
I can not be more thankful to the first responders, doctors, nurses and the rest of the hospital staff for saving my arm (Seriously, they're massive heroes). Unfortunately though, I have been left with permanent nerve damage, reduced mobility in my arm and a very noticeable scar on my collarbone, shoulder and part of my upper back.
I also ended up with depression and PTSD. I lost weight, then gained weight. I dropped out of university, my life was a wreck. Rachel was there for a lot of it. She saw my ups and my downs. I was angry and cruel and I tried to push her away, but she never left me. Rachel may not be my sister by blood, but she truly is my sister. I LOVE her!
Before the accident I was very athletic, I did gymnastics and went to the gym. I liked to wear clothes that exposed my shoulders and collarbones, swimsuits, tank tops, off the shoulder dresses, etc. Not in a show off or vain sort of way, I just liked the way they looked and I liked how I looked when they were shown.
After the accident that all went away, I hid my shoulders, wearing baggy shirts and hoodies. I gained a ton of weight, my body image and self worth were trashed. Eventually I got help. I went to therapy and it took a few years, but I started to climb out of the hole that had been blown through my life.
I re-enrolled back in university. They allowed me to continue from where I left off. I graduated, got a good job, met my fiance (Alex 32M), I lost weight. Alex and Rachel helped me with my body positivity to the point that I actually feel comfortable exposing my shoulders from time to time.
Side note; I can use makeup to conceal part of the scars, but I prefer not to as makeup can irritate my scars and I can break out in a rash around them. Overall my life has greatly improved from where it was. Alex and Rachel are my rocks. I can not express how lucky I am to have them in my life, I love them so much. Some things are a struggle with my arm, but I manage.
Fast forward to a year ago. Rachel is engaged to her fiance and I’m one of her bridesmaids, so we went shopping for dresses, with Susan, Karen (Rachel’s aunt, 58F), Amy (Rachel's younger sister, 29F) and Claire (One of Rachel’s uni friends, 31F). I hadn’t seen much of Susan since going to University and I’d never met Karen, but everyone was aware of the accident.
The ladies at the dress shop were also made aware of my scars so it wasn’t a surprise for them and when I arrive at the dress shop, I’m wearing a shirt I can easily unbutton and take off and put by myself, but my scars are hidden.
Anyway, we’re in the dress shop trying on dresses, going through different styles and colors and Rachel's having so much fun. She has a certain look in mind, but she also wants us to be comfortable.
Her dress is a white satin ball gown with a sweetheart neck line, it is gorgeous, and she wants us to be in similar style dresses, just in an A-line shape. She wants to be like a princess on her day and us to be ladies in waiting and I am all for it. She is a queen.
I didn’t notice this at first, but Susan and Karen kept suggesting dresses that had detachable sleeves and neck coverings, and when trying them on, I was always the one with my neck and shoulders covered.
When trying on dresses where my scars were exposed they’d ask me if I would like a shawl, asking me if I’d like to cover up. Absolutely not! It’s a summer wedding, and British summers have been crazy hot lately (we had the hottest and driest summer on record this year), I want to stay as cool as possible.
Only after trying on a few dresses did I notice this pattern and I started to feel a little uncomfortable. I shrugged it off and didn’t tell Rachel because she was having fun and didn’t want to ruin her mood.
Well… she noticed. She brought me to the side and we talked. I said it was making me a little uncomfortable that they were drawing so much attention to my scars, but it’s for her day and I’ll wear whatever she wants me to.
Rachel ended up deciding on a dress we all loved. It’s pastel green, sweetheart bust, floor length AND a shoulder strap, BUT it’s on my other shoulder. My scars are fully exposed, and I didn’t care and still don’t care! The dress is also easy for me to get in and out of without help, so that’s a bonus.
We ordered the dresses, went for lunch and had a nice day out. Nothing is said about my scars again. I left with Rachel and Claire. Karen and Susan left with Amy.
A few weeks later, Alex proposed! I said yes! We then started to tell everybody. I told my family, then Rachel and I asked her to be my bridesmaid. She said yes and is super excited. A few days later I met up for lunch with Rachel. We get to talking about the weddings and it feels great now getting to experience the excitement she did when she became engaged.
We started talking about dresses and the dresses for her wedding and I noticed she started to get a little uncomfortable. I asked her what was wrong and after a little pushing she spilled the beans.
Amy told Rachel that on the car journey home, Karen and Susan wouldn’t stop discussing the bridesmaid dress choice and how it’d look on me. Saying how we should have chosen a dress that covers my “ugly scars” and that now all people will talk about at the wedding will be my scars and how it’ll draw attention from Rachel and her fiance on their day.
Susan also said, “Well, we can always ask the photographer to take pictures from my other side and edit them out”. At this point, Amy chimed in, and halted the conversation, saying that they’re being vile and cruel and about an issue that isn’t my fault.
Rachel after hearing this, confronted Susan and told her that she doesn’t want to hear anymore talk about my scars or hiding it. Saying that I have been through a lot and worked hard to get to the place I am today, and that I shouldn’t be judged or demeaned because of something that wasn’t my choice.
I was shocked and upset that Susan would say such things after she knew perfectly well what I went through and even witnessed me when I was at some of my low points. But Rachel reassured me that it’ll all be fine.
She doesn’t care if she doesn’t have everyone's attention, because she’s marrying the love of her life and no photograph showing my scars will be edited without my consent. I cried and we hugged.
Now, the wedding day. Claire and I slept over at Rachel's house, we drank wine, watched How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, we had a blast. We wake up, and start getting ready. Susan, Rachel's dad (Dave 55M) and Amy arrive, before finally the makeup artist, hair stylist and photographer arrives.
The photographer was lovely and very respectful. She’d been told about my scars and she asked me if she should try to avoid photos being taken of them. I told her I didn’t care and that she should treat this like any other wedding.
I continue to get ready. It’s my turn to get my makeup done. The makeup artist says to me that she’s been informed that I want my scars to be hidden. I was a little confused as I hadn’t once asked for that.
I politely asked who told them this and she said it was Susan, I sighed and said no I hadn’t asked for that and then explained what makeup does to my scars. The makeup artist is understanding and then gives Susan, who’s having her hair done across the room, the side eye.
After we’re all ready we go outside for photos and Susan notices my scars are still on show. She then goes back inside and I see her talking with the makeup artist. I can’t hear what's said, but when she finally comes back out she looks angry and a little red. She doesn’t say anything to me and I say nothing to her.
Then we start posing for photos. The photographer arranges us in different arrangements and such. For one of the photos I’m placed next to Susan. Susan then tries to stand in front of me, so that she’s blocking the camera view of my scarred shoulder.
I simply side step a little so I’m no longer behind her. She tries to block me again, before the photographer calls her out for moving out of place. We close back in and Susan again tries to stand in front of me. The photographer again asks Susan to stop moving. Rachel at this point tells Susan that she knows what she’s doing and tells her to stop. Susan moves back, no longer in front of me and the pictures are taken.
Then it’s time for the ceremony. It was a beautiful church service. Susan walked in first, then the bridesmaids and I walked in, I got a few lingering looks I can tell are looking at my scars, and a disgusted look from Karen, but again, I don’t care. I’m just happy for my friend. I sat down next to Susan.
It’s a little cramped so when I sat down our shoulders were touching, she leaned away from me and I got a sideways look. It was grating, but I ignored her.
We all stood, Rachel and Dave walked down the aisle, and when Dave came and sat beside Susan, she couldn’t lean away from me, so she had to touch my “ugly” shoulder. And then Rachel was married and I cried.
Fast forward to the reception and the moment you’ve all been waiting for.
The Bride and Groom are off having some alone time and getting their pictures taken. I am with the other bridesmaids and the rest of the wedding party, mingling with the other guests.
My parents are also at the wedding and Alex would be arriving later. I get a few looks from some of the guests and even the odd question, I just tell them it was a car accident, shrug it off and pivot the conversation back to Rachel and her husband.
Since the accident, my Mother (Mary 51F), has also been a little concerned around me “showing off” my scars. I’ve explained to her that I am finally comfortable in my own body and I won’t hide because it might make others uncomfortable.
She’s been mostly accepting of this. Sometimes she’ll give me a jacket when I don’t need one and now at the wedding she tried to put a shawl over my shoulders while I was talking with guests. I just took it off and gave it back to her without even looking.
My mother then says to me that she’s cold and that she doesn’t want me to get cold too. It’s 29’C (84’f), it is not cold.
While I was talking with guests I noticed Susan and Karen out of the corner of my eye kept looking at me, eventually I heard Amy rather loudly say to them, “Will you just drop it already." Amy then marched over, linked our arms and led me away from their eye line, saying she has other guests she wants to introduce me too.
I didn’t ask, but it seems evident they were talking about me.
I don’t care what other people say or think, but when it’s someone who was in my life, who I thought was genuinely caring and understanding of what I went through, I was starting to get a little worn down. After 30 minutes the photographer called us all outside the venue to get the big group photos, and the last professional photos, of the wedding.
We all went outside and were arranged. I was again placed next to Susan and she again tried to stand in front of me, but I didn’t need to move this time as Dave noticed and moved Susan back over. I gave him a little smile and Susan the side eye.
The last pictures were taken and we were done and now time for the food and the party, or so I’d hoped. I’d just started to walk away with the other bridesmaids when I heard a guest say to Susan that “Don’t all the bridesmaids look lovely” and then Susan replied with, “Oh yes, but we’re going to need to edit some of the photos if you know what I mean”.
I saw red. I was beaten down and beyond annoyed with her by this point. I whipped around and said rather loudly to Susan, “Oh will you go EFF yourself. They are my scars, I live with them everyday not you”. Well… You know in the shows where something dramatic happens and everyone goes quiet, turns and looks. That's what happened.
I realised very quickly what I said and when I met Rachel's eyes, I panicked and bolted. I found a secluded place in the venue's garden to stop and just cry. Cry, not just because of how Susan had treated me, but how I thought I’d put a damper on my friend's wedding. How I wish I didn’t have the scars, how none of it had happened and that if I didn’t have them I wouldn’t be in this situation.
Amy and Claire found me first and put their arms around me and tried to calm me down. A few minutes later, Rachel arrived and I cried all over again. She sat down next to me and put her around me and told me it was ok. I kept saying I ruined her wedding, and she told me I hadn’t. I kept apologizing over and over, and she kept rubbing my back and telling me it was ok till I stopped crying.
I calmed down enough for us to talk. Rachel told me that she had told Susan and Karen multiple times to stop bringing up my scars. And the reason why she arrived after Amy and Clare was because she was telling off Susan.
I was lost at that moment, I didn’t know what I wanted to do or say. So we sat there a while longer. Rachel’s husband also arrived and made sure I was ok, he gave me a hug and I urged Rachel to go enjoy the rest of her day, but she said not till she knew I was ok. Alex then arrived, having been told what happened. He wrapped his arms around me and just held me. It was nice.
I again urged Rachel to go back and enjoy herself and she reluctantly did.
Alex and I stayed in the garden for a little while longer and talked. It was mostly him just whispering sweet things in my ear and trying to make me laugh.. Which worked.
We made our way back and tried to join the party. My parents stopped us and while my dad was understanding of why I said what I’d said, he was still a little disappointed. My Mother was livid and demanded I apologise to Susan immediately.
I declined and explained what she’d been doing over the day and back what she’d said after the dress shopping.
My mother didn’t have that context so she was understanding of my actions but still said I should apologise. Again I said I wouldn’t unless Susan apologised to me for how she treated me. We joined the party, I couldn’t face any food, but I still tried to salvage the rest of the party. I got a lot of looks now, but I couldn’t tell if they were angry, annoyed, sympathetic or what.
Anyway Rachel came over and made sure I was ok. Susan and Karen just looked at me with disgust. The party continued into the night, I danced and joined in wedding games just tried to put the events behind me till Alex took me home. We got home, ordered pizza, changed into our pajamas and just held each other. Alex joked that he hopes our wedding has no drama.
It’s now been a couple of weeks since the wedding, Rachel is on her honeymoon and turned off her phone and I’ve still had no apology from Susan, so I haven’t apologised back. I’ve received a few messages on social media from guests, Susan and Karen were able to get their hooks into, calling me an A-hole and other profanities, but I just blocked them. Rachel has had more talks with Susan regarding what happened and she is completely on my side. My parents are still disappointed but they understand.
I’m not going to tell Rachel about the messages unless she asks me. I don’t want to add more on her plate or cast a larger shadow on her day than I already have. So, AITA?
Here's what commenters had to say.
Definitely nta. You did very well to last out so long in my opinion. As for your friends, excellent job. I guarantee no one was looking at you as the a/hole here after what you said.
Imagine letting something as trivial (in the grand scheme of things) as a scarred shoulder get in the way of showing your joy at your daughter's wedding. What a piece of work. I'm also side eyeing your mother for her attitude towards your self defense and your scars overall. So much for loving your kids exactly as they are.
NTA!! You were so gracious with Susan, I could never. Everyone was nice to you (well, those that matter), and your bestie and futur husband are awesome. Take care of that friendship !
OP later shared this update.
Firstly, still no apology. But the messages have stopped. After showing them to Amy, she confirmed they were all from people on Susans side of the family. So Amy said she'd deal with it and since then the only messages I've received are from unknown accounts that are friends with Susan.
However we're pretty sure they're from Karen as they're all a word for word copy and paste of Karens original post-wedding message to me. I've blocked every new account, changed my settings so only friends can message me and I've unfriended/unfollowed and blocked Susan. The messages then stopped.
Secondly, to address some of the comments about the way this was written. A couple of days after the wedding Rachel, Amy and I got together to have a little debrief and get together before Rachels honeymoon.
Claire had gone home as she lives in another city and had work the next day. Amy said this story would be a fun AITA read and Rachel agreed. I asked them if they think I should tell this story and they said yes. I told them I'd think about it.
I still have my therapist, not for regular sessions anymore, now just for as and when I need them. I spoke with her, told her the story and about Amy's suggestion. She said helped me weigh the pros and cons and I decided on doing it because it could be a cathartic experience, which it was.
So the other night, with Rachel on her honeymoon, I invited Amy over, then we, along with Alex, set about writing the original post. Because we all watch Charlotte we were trying to match the style and thats why some of the words were censored. Some further edits were made the following day before I posted.
Thirdly, my parents. Over the weekend since writing the original post I visited my parents and had a long talk. We talked about what happened at the wedding, the messages I've received since and about their actions and how they make me feel.
Neither of them are angry that I defended myself and they think I was right to do so. My Mothers only comment was that if I was to say it all over again, that I wouldn't have done it so publicly. I again reiterated how I'd felt worn down and just snapped. I do agree with her though about it being so public, because while I don't regret what I said, I just wish I'd said it with fewer people around.
I then asked them, my Mother specifically, why they try to cover me up, at the wedding and previous times. I asked them if they're embarrassed by me and my scars. This upset them and they said they in no way embarrassed by me or the scars. They said they couldn't be more proud of the woman I've become given all the adversity I've faced.
My Mother said all she's ever wanted to do was protect me, that she doesn't want people to see me and judge me and that to her, sometimes when she sees me, I'm still her little girl laying in that hospital bed.
We're all crying by this point, but I said I understand but at times her actions have felt more like a hindrance, especially with the events of the last few weeks, and she apologised. I also suggested that we all do a group therapy session so we can all talk and work through this together. They agreed and I've booked the session for this coming Friday.
I really want them, especially my mother, on my side leading up to my wedding, as the dress I've seen will not only show the whole of my shoulder scars, but also some of the usually hidden smaller scars I have along the side of my ribs and back, also from the accident.
Rachel comes back from her honeymoon also on Friday, and Amy has said we should all get together over the weekend and talk. So that's where things stand currently.