'AITA for crashing out at my STBX and my mum after having a medical emergency abroad?' UPDATED
"AITA for crashing out at my STBX and my mum after having a medical emergency abroad?"
I'm currently stuck in another country. I passed out at the airport on my way home two days ago, and was taken to hospital where I received treatment. I'm fortunate that I speak the language fluently.
But I didn't know how the medical system works in the country I'm in, so on top of feeling like s**t on toast, I had tons of mental work figuring out things with my insurance, answering a thousand questions about my medical history, and trying to get better.
Fortunately I had a good travel insurance so financially, everything is covered, and the people from the airline were super kind, but there was still so much I had to figure out, like a hotel after getting discharged, transportation between the hospital, hotel, and airport, all while still not doing great.
Getting cleared to fly, and getting a new ticket took ages, but I'm finally on my way home. My husband and I are in the process of getting a divorce. As it is now, he travels a lot himself. He sees our kids maybe 4-5 days per month. This was my first break without kids in about 15 years.
Throughout this whole thing he has been absolutely useless for a lack of better term, and he hasn't stopped complaining. I have still been managing the household remotely. I've been in touch with the schools, I've arranged childcare for him, I've done everything I could to make things easier for him and our children.
The straw that broke the camel's back was yesterday when he told me that he hadn't done the bookkeeping for his business and if I couldn't do it when I'm just waiting around anyways, after I had just spent 5 hours walking around to every goddamn corner of this airport, trying to get home as soon as possible.
He gave me a passive-aggressive answer about the deadline when I said no, and that he's leaving so I need to find childcare for our kids if I'm not home by then and I just snapped.
I called him on the phone and shouted at him that I was doing my goddamn best in an impossible situation, and to get himself the hell together. I spoke to my mum about it and she told me that I should be nicer to him because it's a tough situation for him too. I told her that I frankly don't have the energy to spare any sympathy for a man who pushes a sick woman to do his job for him.
I struggle with my crash-out. I generally don't shout. I hate shouting. It's not how I resolve conflicts. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've shouted for the past 20 years. I just couldn't keep it in anymore. I've always been raised to be flexible, and to find compromises, and generally be the one who makes things easier on other people. AITA for crashing out and shouting?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Good travel insurance would have made all those post hospitalisation travel arrangements for you but I’m glad you had the bills covered at least. Being sick overseas can be such a nightmare. Tell your mother to support you and your children or stfu. Your blow up is completely valid.
Your ex is continuing to try to control you and have you behave like his mother by exercising his weaponised incompetence and he clearly IS incompetent. What a douche. No wonder you’re divorcing him. You actually should blow up at him more. He deserves ZERO sympathy from you. NTA at all and don’t you dare question yourself on that.
To be fair to my travel insurance, they did do a fairly good job at helping me with those things as well, but it was difficult for quite some time because I had no idea of where the hell I was for quite some time.
I was transported via ambulance to hospital, and I had no idea which hospital or which area. They were slammed at the A&E and they didn't really have time to tell me much. That combined with me being dizzy and disoriented made the insurance guys' job incredibly hard.
NTA....so much NTA. We all get to a point where frustration can unleash a more primal emotional person than we are 99‰ of the time. It's OK.
You should forgive yourself for the outburst and maybe apologise to your mother about taking it out on her, but your ex should be able to fully support HIS children when you are incapacitated. If you had died, he'd still have to take care of him and don't all himself. You had every right to be frustrated at him and he deserves every measure of your ire.
Maybe time to have a relapse if you haven’t gotten on the plane to go home? Go check yourself into a nice hotel, turn off your phone, let your mom and your ex figure out how to be adults?
Because really…what would happen if you actually had died or become severely disabled in another country and he had to be the full-time parent? Clearly, he needs to step up ASAP and not just in an emergency.
NTA but you need to stop focusing on EVERYONE else’s needs (esp your useless soon to be ex) and focus on what’s right for you.
Hope you’re feeling better soon.
NTA: Honestly, it might do you good to yell a bit more. And to stand up for yourself more.
You’ve been taught to be passive and to always be the one to do all the work. It’s time to realize you don’t have to.
Four days later, OP shared an update:
My mum called me yesterday to scold me again for crashing out. She said that it was unfair that I shouted at her when her and my stepdad had done me such a huge favour to look after my children and pick me up at the airport.
I told her that if help has to come with a side of humiliation and pressure every time, I'd rather they just dropped my kids off with family services and then I'd take the bus from the airport. Needless to say, she was even more offended, and we currently aren't on speaking terms.
I've spent a lot of money. I bought myself a new laptop, and wrote a notebook with passwords and phone numbers for different places he can get computer support, so my ex won't have any excuse to make me do his paperwork for him. I also booked a do-over trip for myself in October. I realised that in order for him to parent our children, I need to be away. Also, I deserve a do-over.
He's a bit salty about the amount of money I've spent, but ultimately, he knows he can't complain too much because he's going on a 3-week vacation soon. He doesn't have a leg to stand on. It's very very clear that they aren't used to me standing up for myself, and they don't know how to handle it.
It's very very new to me too, and I feel like s**ting myself each time I do it. Like full-on hyperventilating borderline panic attack. It's been beaten into me that doing things that only benefit myself or things I enjoy are inherently selfish, and wrong of me, and it's very hard to break out of. I'm trying though.
Here's what people had to say to OP's update:
Do you have a job? Would be a good time to find one if not.
Also start looking at childcare prices.
line your ducks in a row and be ready for anything to happen.
I don't have a job, and no way of getting one. I'm disabled, and our youngest has severe autism and needs pretty much round the clock care. He's in special ed school two hours per day 4 hours a week currently. I don't qualify for a lot of respite as long as we're two adults registered to this address even though he's gone 80-90% of the time.
Good for you! Ive just read your other post and you were NTA in the slightest. It really says a lot about him as a man and a father that he couldn't handle his job and kids while you were sick. I hope you actually get to enjoy your do-over in October. Also tell him that sorting childcare while they are under his supervision is his responsibility, he may as well get him into gear now.
Yeah!! Have a wonderful time! Pro tip as you continue using your shiny new backbone - don’t over explain yourself to them. Their problem isn’t that they don’t understand so explaining it more won’t help. They understand. They either just don’t care or dislike the inconvenience. The shorter your answers, with out justification for them to sink their teeth into, the better.
“Sorry I won’t be able to do that.” Done. “Oh I’m disappointed to.” Crickets.
If you don’t give them anything to push against they will have more trouble fighting with you. It’s not perfect but it’s helped me prevent a lot of frustration and fruitless arguments with my just-nos.
"So my ex won't have any excuse to make me do his paperwork for him"
OP this sentence right here says it all. Your ex has only ever been able to make you do something because you have let him.
I hope you are bringing your children up to be more independent than their father seems to be. By that, I mean I hope you don't do absolute everything for them. I hope you get fully better soon. And keep working on standing up for yourself. Everyone deserves and needs to do things just for themselves sometimes. A little bit of selfishness is necessary for a person's well-being.