'AITA for 'cheating' on my wife according to her definition?' UPDATED
"AITA for 'cheating' on my wife?"
So some background. I (M, 35) and my wife (34F) have been happily married for 11 years, have a child together and I am desperately in love with her. We both practice Christianity, and are very devout to our beliefs. Recently my wife has been quite busy with work and school, as she is finishing up her degree to be a lawyer and then has been studying for the Bar exam.
She has been heavily invested in to her studies, studying most weeks for nearly 25 hours on top of her full time job and interning. I know this can make me seem like a bit of a bum in comparison to her but please know I also am working a full time job in addition to multiple side hustles. Life is expensive living in Cali.
I say all of this to help understand the "cheating." One day we were having a busy morning. I was getting my son out the door to school and she was rushing around to get to work. After my son got in the bus, my wife left for work right after him. I had the morning off. I was feeling a little frisky so I pulled out my phone and pulled up a spicy video my wife and I made a out 7 years ago during intimacy.
So here I am watching the video and beginning to pleasure myself. The sound then disconnects (later finding out my wife had come back home to get her phone and it connected to her car audio) I then fixed the sound so I go back to doing the deed. As I am finishing my wife walks in on me furious.
She asked me what the heck I was doing and how could I do this to her. I sat there ashamed but a little confused and after her ranting rage I said I didn't see what the big deal was. She said you're watching adult content and pleasuring yourself to it. Then went off on a short tangent about knowing I wasn't attracted to her anymore. I then flipped my phone to her to show her the video I was doing the deed to.
She then was furious with me still. I said I still find her incredibly attractive and find her even more beautiful now (actual truth) compared to this 7-year-old video. She then insisted I was cheating on her because I was pleasuring myself without her. I sat there naked and shocked. I asked her how it was cheating. She then said because bedroom time is to be a together act.
I asked her if she thought "self-love" was wrong, and let her know that there have been times during intimacy that "self-love" was an act we did. She said that it wasn't wrong but that it still needed to be done together.
I explained to her that I didn't see anything wrong with it, I wasn't watching other women and would rather be sleeping with her then watching the video but I was just feeling "backed up" and that it has been a few weeks.
She then was furious and essentially left for work. So here I am wondering what I did. I asked her why she agreed to making the video then and what she thought I was doing with it. She got more mad and then went to work. So here I sit wondering AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA.
She’s nuts. That’s not cheating by any reasonable definition.
NTA. And you haven't cheated on your wife. BUT your wife is most likely also aware of your non-existent bedroom life, is aware that he current work and school load plays a role in it and doesn't feel good about it.
I could imagine that her reaction came more out of fear that you watch porn mixed up with feeling guilt and once she began to let everything out, it was already too late. Have a calm conversation with her when she's back home, ask her to state clear boundaries on what's cool and what's not and then try to find a healthy middle ground.
I agree with others…she sounds like she’s stressed and maybe facing burnout? Working full-time and going to school full time, especially law school, is incredibly stressful. Not excusing her actions and words, just trying to help you see that I don’t think she was really mad at you. I think she’s just reacting to her stress levels so swinging wildly at this point.
Can you have someone watch the kids and you two spend even just a few hours alone? Find out if she needs to go out or just stay in and do nothing with you. Sounds like you both need some time to reconnect.
Your wife is either so stressed and busy that she’s not thinking clearly, or she’s some sort of religious fanatic. If I were looking for a lawyer, I’d want one who thinks more logically than your wife.
Six days later, OP shared an update:
I had a couple people ask for an update and well I personally don't like cliffhangers either so here goes: After she left I texted her and asked for us to "pause" this fight, but wanted to resume it that weekend. We had plans already for Saturday since it was Valentine's Day where my parents were watching our son. She agreed and the next day and a half felt off but we managed.
Long story short, She agreed . She said saying cheating was out of line. In the moment she was late, couldn't find her phone, thought her husband was watching porn, felt ashamed, and just overall stressed. I will say we have actually talked a lot about "self-love" before but it has not really come up on the last few years, hence a bit of my shock to the situation.
She did agree that the video we made was for just this reason, but the she had some interesting views of the situation I had not thought about.
She has put on some weight during school. (Please hear me when I say yes I notice, but my gosh she just as beautiful, if not more now than when we made the video) She does not feel as attractive as she did when we made that video, so she felt like I was fantasizing to a younger more attractive version of her.
She said she didn't have an issue with "self-love," but she was surprised that it was not just a quick wank and go. She was surprised to see me in our bed, naked and not just quick doing it in the shower.
She felt like I put more thought into it than the last few times we have got together, because well in my defense now we just don't have a lot of time as my previous post and many comments mentioned, but in the end she understood. She had been making statements all week, about having a hard time waiting for the weekend where we could finally have some time together.
When I said me too to her, she took that as me saving all my "love" for her, hence her comment of her being upset for "pleasuring myself without her." This makes sense to me, especially since as I have gotten older I am more of a once or twice a week and I am satisfied, instead of everyday. So I let her know I understood, but also explained there is a big difference time satisfaction from intimacy with her vs "self-love."
So all in all we are good now. We had a great weekend and definitely both got some release. The last thing I want to point out is a lot of people commented on the Purity Culture of Christianity.
I do really agree that there are a lot of things that the Church got wrong in the 90s and 00s, but I really feel like we are progressing past this, that being said though yeah there's still some weirdness there, even for myself and my wife.
If anyone has and recs for "deconstructing" purity culture, but it still being biblically relevant, I would love to see them, as after our talks I think both the wife and I would be interested in this. Hope this update finds everyone well.
Here's what people had to say to OP's update:
Monte Mader she does deconstruction and goes through the many translations of the bible. How the original meanings have been changed through history and has bible study. She's a content creator. On all of them I think.
Hey man, purity culture is packed into the Bible. You're going to have a hard time keeping your cognitive dissonance from being triggered if that's the route you want to go. Mary was a teenager that your god impregnated.
You can't base an entire religion off of that and NOT have weird purity culture. It just is. By all means stay Christian, but don't open a can of worms when the worms can't be taken out of the can. Just love Jesus lol I'm sure that's all he expects of you anyways.
How you and your wife regulate your intimacy is between you two. I may find it bizarre but that's on me. However, you two really should have a long talk about your intimate life and expectations.
Your intimate life will grow and change as you do and understanding each other's needs and expectations is part of the consent that is so important in it. As a matter of fact, this is a conversation you should have regularly.
Unfortunately, you cannot deconstruct purity culture while still remaining "biblically relevant". Once you start unpacking everything, you will see how flawed the Bible really is. This is coming from someone who for the first 40 years of my life was a devout Christian and followed all the rules.
Regardless, I would recommend the book Divine S-x by Philo Thelos. You can find it on Amazon. Coming from a conservative Christian background it's probably going to be a hard read. It will challenge traditional teachings you have heard your entire life and if you aren't ready you will likely end up burning the book. 😂