'My boyfriend's SIL gave him a plushie and didn't make one for anyone else. AITA?' + UPDATE
"My boyfriend's SIL gave him a plushie and didn't make one for anyone else. AITA?"
I just want to start by saying that I realize I might be totally wrong and insecure in this situation. I just really want another perspective or something because I just can't help the fact that this bothers me and I am admittedly feeling jealousy.
I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months at this point. He has 4 siblings (3 brothers and 1 sister) and we are the shortest relationship in the family. 3 of his siblings are married and another is in a very long term relationship, I think the shortest relationship in the bunch is 5 1/2 years. So I will admit I am a bit intimidated and insecure there.
For Christmas this year his sister in law made him a homemade plushie of this little blue baby dinosaur looking character from his favorite game Guild Wars. The plushie is amazing quality and he absolutely loved it.
But she didn't make one for any of the other boys who also love the game just as much. Not even her husband. In fact she went out of her way to give it to him without his other brothers around except for her husband.
Her husband was just as excited for her to give his brother the gift as she was but it just felt off to me and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.
Why would she work so hard on something for my boyfriend and no one else? And it just felt like such a personal gift that I could never match and I just feel like she totally took away from what I gave him.
I did try talking to my boyfriend about it and how I thought it was weird. He said he didn't think it was weird at all because she has always been closer to him than the other brothers.
Well shouldn't she be closer to her husband than him? He didn't get one. I don't know. I asked him if he would give it back to her saying he can't accept it and he refused and said I'm being ridiculous.
I just feel like a woman doesn't make such a personal gift for a guy unless they see them as something more. It was just how I was raised and I hate feeling this way about something like this.
I talked to my mom and sister and they both agreed that it wasn't right and that this was most likely the beginning of her trying to push me out.
I just can't help but feel like she was trying to make him like her more than me because he said she has never given him anything before and this is our first Christmas together. I just don't know what to think. Or if I'm overthinking this completely.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
You're reading way too much into this. As someone else said, there may be a backstory on in-joke there that you don't know about. Also, it's entirely possible that she's working on gifts for everyone else. If it's as nice as you say it probably takes a while to make so maybe she ran out of time.
"I talked to my mom and sister and they both agreed that it wasn't right and that this was most likely the beginning of her trying to push me out."
WHAT? She's happily married to his brother and gave him the gift in front of her husband and you think she's trying to "push you out?" That's some master level insecurity there.
Adr1452 OP:
I guess the time thing is a good way to look at it. It does look very professional I don't sew so I really don't know how long something like that takes. And that's just how my mom has raised us.
She has always been very protective of our father. I try not to be her because I know she can be a bit much at times but this situation just completely threw me off. And it's honestly hard to see his other siblings significant others fitting into the family unit so well while I'm just the outcast.
You are over reacting. Being a jealous, paranoid and controlling girlfriend will drive him away. You've been together 6 months and you're already trying to determine what presents he's allowed to receive from his family? That's crazy.
You are the one making up a wedge to drive between you and his family, not her. Calm down. It's a stuffed animal, not a BJ. Which is probably what her husband got and why she didn't gift it in front of you.
Adr1452 OP:
It wouldn't have bothered me if it was from his actual family it's just that it's the significant other of his brother that bothered me. If his actual sister made it for him I would never in a million years have asked him to return the gift.
An in-law IS actual family. And you do yourself no favors by making those kinds of distinctions. My sister-in-law is my family and I'd be really annoyed if someone tried to tell me that she wasn't.
Adr1452 OP:
That's just a really hard distinction for me to make honestly. His one brother has been in a long term relationship for 7 years. They do not plan to marry. Yet this sister in law has been with her husband for 5 1/2 years.
She hasn't been with the family for as long as the other one who isn't married so how is she more their family than the other girl who has been around longer? Just because of documents? I always viewed marriage as the couple making their own family unit.
This hair-splitting about "who is more his family" is really weird. She is married to his brother. She is family, it doesn't matter if they've been married for five minutes or fifteen years. The woman who is in a longterm relationship with his other brother is also family. No one is "more family" than the other. It's not a pH level, they're familial ties.
I think you are really looking too deeply into it. You commented that his brother was also really excited to see him get it, so there's maybe some kind of back story here.
You are coming in on half a decade to the other relationships which can be totally daunting. They have 5+ years of fights, inside jokes, and experiences together. Good luck!
A month later, OP returned with an update.
I went a few weeks without saying anything else about the subject because everyone on here seemed to disagree with my side of things. Then last Saturday he told me he was going to be spending the day at his brothers just to hang out.
We generally make plans on Saturdays but I hadn't had the chance to make plans official with him yet, I just figured it was implied at this point. So I asked him if I would be allowed to go over there with him.
That's when he told me that it was just going to be a day with him and his brother. So I reminded him that since it is his brothers house then most likely his wife will be present too so I didn't really see how it was fair.
Ultimately it blew up and I told him everything, brought up the gift again and just how I feel intimidated by everyone and feel like his sister in law is on some pedestal or something because she gets to be there and I don't. I also mentioned how I just felt like I was being pushed out by her and that the gift made me uneasy.
He was frustrated and told me that he was going to his brothers and that he would talk to me later. So I spent all morning Saturday on edge and just completely jealous.
Then around 1pm his sister in law called me (I guess he gave her my number) and asked me if I was free to meet her for coffee. I was confused but agreed to have coffee with her. I expected it to be awkward.
At the coffee shop she wasted no time to tell me that my boyfriend had told her everything. She said she wanted to meet for dinner because she wanted me to see her face and see that she was genuine in everything she had to say.
She went on to explain that she had no feelings for him in the way I was implying to him and no intention of pushing me out. She said her original plan was to make the plushie for all of the boys since they all play the game but it took her way too much time to make one so she wanted to give it to her favorite brother in law.
I questioned why not her husband and she said that she lives with him and he knew she was making it in the first place and that she could make him one any time and just wanted that one to be a surprise Christmas present.
I told her that I still kinda thought it was inappropriate since he was in a relationship now and she just paused and didn't say anything for a few seconds. Then she asked me if there was anything else that was bothering me.
I used today as an example and said it bothered me that he went to her house and told me I couldn't come because it was a day with his brother even though she would obviously be there. She told me that it is a day with his brother and that just because she lives in the house doesn't change that.
She said that she kept to herself doing her own things while the boys played video games with each other and that my boyfriend came to her when she was in the kitchen to talk to her about me briefly.
I didn't say anything. I still felt a bit jealous but I just didn't know what to say. She then asked me if I had anything else I wanted to get out and I declined. She said that she didn't want to part ways without giving me some advice.
She went on to say that she thinks I'm a very nice girl and that the entire family feels that way and wanted to remind me that all of the spouses and significant others were new to the family at one point in time.
She went on about how it takes time to feel a closeness with everyone and that she went through it too. She then said that she didn't want to come across the wrong way but that I needed to work hard on my insecurities or else I would lose my boyfriend.
She just went on and on saying how I am so nice and that I am ruining a good thing by letting myself overthink these things and by being so insecure. She told me to really think about how I am acting over his own sister in law interacting with him.
That's when my stupid brain made me say "Well if you were to get a divorce then you wouldn't be his sister in law and you would just be another woman in his life." that was the moment it finally hit me just how crazy I was being.
She gave me this look and said "Well we aren't getting a divorce so...." and I just felt completely embarrassed and apologized. She then very nicely told me that on second thought she thinks I might not be ready for a relationship at all and that I really need to work on myself.
That was pretty much the end of it and we parted ways. I spent the rest of the weekend crying and hating myself. My boyfriend didn't call me or text me at all.
Finally on Monday he asked if he could come over. So he came over and asked how it went with SIL and I had figured he knew everything but he said that all she said was that he needed to talk to me.
Turns out he didn't talk to me all weekend because he was angry with how I acted about him going to his brothers house then bringing up the gift again and he just needed some space. He told me that he wasn't going to put up with this type of behavior and that it is putting way too much unnecessary drama into his life.
As I'm sure you are probably guessing, he proceeded to break up with me. He told me he really cared about me but he just can't imagine how bad it will get in the future if I'm already acting like this with people who are his family. I begged him not to leave and that I would do everything to change and he just wouldn't budge.
I haven't heard from him since and I feel like I had my heart ripped out and stomped on it hurts so bad. And I know this is all my fault. I have my mom and sister telling me how it's good riddance and how he broke up with me so that he wouldn't have anything holding him back from his SIL and this just broke me.
I am so done with my family and the way they put these toxic ideas in my head. I'm just done. So yeah. Not a happy update. From here I am planning on working on myself and hope to someday maybe convince him to give me another chance.
I don't know why I wrote this update. It just feels good to get it out I guess and further convinces me I need to change.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I'm won't sugarcoat this, you acted crazy. That being said, you seem to be somewhat aware that this isn't normal behavior, so I suggest allowing yourself a little time to grieve the relationship and then move on. You should look into a therapist who can help you would through these jealousy issues, but this is a lesson learned.
Agreed. His SIL was 100% correct that you are not ready to be in a relationship and need to do some serious self-work. That being said, I was once in your position - I had so much insecurity that I was jealous of my BF's relationships with his family, just like you.
It took years, a few failed relationships and a lot of introspection, but I did get over it and am now in a great relationship. I am confident and no longer feel jealous. I want my BF to have a life separate from mine that makes him happy and vice versa. You can get there, too, but you have to recognize the problem and do the work.
It must be absolutely exhausting to view every person around you as an enemy at all times.
"She gave me this look and said "Well we aren't getting a divorce so....""
Can you even imagine what that look must have looked like? How do you get across, "Holy cow, lady, WHAT?" in a look?
I fully expected the “well we’re not getting a divorce so…..” to be followed by “or your husband could die and there’d be nothing stopping you from pursuing my boyfriend then….”
Absolutely unhinged thinking. It obviously came from her mom and I cannot even imagine the toxic mess her household and mother are judging by this story. This will take years to address on her end.
The SIL extended so much grace to OP just for her to turn around and personally disrespect her marriage. It sucks to see her turn away multiple lifelines, but here’s to hoping she learns for next time.
Man her family is crazy, she didn’t stand a chance
EDIT: wait she’s 26?!?! I thought she was a teenager! Oh my word…
As a casual crocheter who likes to make stuffies, as soon as I saw it was homemade, I knew exactly why there was only one. Every year Im like 'im gonna make something for everyone! " I've only ever made it to two things. Even the little things take hours and hours and hours.
In my experience, and in my humble opinion... if your family instilled any weird BS in you (like OP's level of jealousy and suspicion and insecurity), your early to mid 20s are when it really hits the fan.
You start experiencing adult consequences for your behavior, without your family being able to reinforce it as strongly as they could while you were a child. It's a sink or swim inflection point: you either lick your wounds and reevaluate your behavior and your life, or you double down on what you were raised with.
My genuine respect to the SIL for tipping the needle towards "reevaluate and grow" for OP... she went way above and beyond the call for OP here.
I hope to one day be as level headed as that sister in law. “Do you still have anything that you need to get out of your head?” And then she proceeds to dig her own grave. In those situations I can barely hold back a laugh and it does not end well. She is an example.
All this drama for a 6 months relationship... dude made the right choice. OP was crazy and it would not have stopped here. Also she blames her mother and sister for "planting these ideas on my head" but she got these ideas all by herself, mom and sis only reinforced it later when she asked for advice... so I don't think she learned much here.