'AITA for arguing with my wife because she was storing stuff in my daughter's bedroom?' UPDATED
"AITA for getting into an argument with my wife because she was storing stuff in my daughter's bedroom?"
My (40m) wife (35f) and I have been together 13 years and married for almost 2. We got into an argument today because she was still storing a box in my daughter's (17f) bedroom. I met my wife 13 years ago and at the time my daughter with my ex-wife was 4 years old.
The first couple years they had a pretty good relationship, until my wife and I had a son (11m). After he was born my wife's attitude toward my daughter changed and mostly she just acted as if my daughter didn't exist.
I know it's because she was jealous she didn't have "her own" daughter because I know she wanted our son to be a girl. I've told her she had a daughter, she just chose not to develop a relationship with her.
My daughter lives with my ex about 2 hours away so she is here approximately every other weekend. The last couple years it's been more random because of high school activities and things she wants to do with her friends. I don't make her come visit because I feel like those are decisions she needs to make as a young adult, but she still comes to visit and her and I have a decent relationship.
I know I'm not the greatest dad, my parents weren't the best role models but I do the best I can (Update: my dad wasn't around growing up and my mother was a complete cunt, I try to do the best I can based on my experience, but no matter what I do I feel like it's not enough for either of my kids).
Anyway, a couple days ago I went into my daughter's room for something and noticed there was a box in the middle of the room that clearly did not belong to my daughter. I asked my wife about it and she said she was storing it in there. I asked why and she said because my daughter isn't here all the time.
I asked her to move it and told her my daughter's room was not a storage closet. She argued that it wasn't that big of a deal and I asked her (knowing she lived with her dad growing up) how she would have felt if she went to visit her mom and step-dad and they were storing stuff in here room. Her response was that she didn't have her own room. I just dropped it because I didn't want to keep arguing it.
Today, I was changing a battery in the Philips Hue remote in my daughter's room and noticed the box was still there. I grabbed it and took it to the living room and calmly set it down. My wife said "I'm just going to put it back in there" and I replied with "no you're not, her room is not storage."
Admittedly, I raised my voice because I was already irritated about a tirade my wife went on earlier in the day. We argued and she said I was overreacting and it wasn't a big deal. I told her again my daughter's room was not storage. Rather than continue arguing I went and took a shower then left the house to cool off. I went to get some food and had a couple drinks. Was I over reacting and being an @$$hole??
Here's what commenters had to say.
NTA for this situation but why have you accepted your wife’s treatment of your daughter for so long? YTA for that.
ShadowGhost181 OP:
She didn't treat her badly, just never tried to develop a relationship further with her after our son was born. They get along fine, my wife just doesn't act "motherly" with her, and this isn't the first time we've argued about the topic.
NTA. I think your wife is soft launching taking over your daughter's room as an extra bedroom/office/whatever for when she goes to college. She is 17 now after all. Do not let her push your daughter out from the home. Your daughter will never, ever forget your inaction if you do.
You’re arguing about the box but didn’t argue when she basically acted like your daughter didn’t exist? I was raised by wolves but have a wonderful relationship with both my sons who are now adults. You have given yourself permission to be a ridiculously lazy parent , do better.
ShadowGhost181 OP:
To clarify, we have had that argument before. I may have been overstating my wife's treatment of my daughter I will update the post.
OP later shared this update.
I want to clarify, in the original post I said my wife acted as if my daughter didn't exist. While that is partially true, it was only true for the first 8-12 months of my son's life. When I realized/found out how she was treating my daughter I had a come to Jesus talk with her and told her if she continued treating her that way we would be over. Since then, she has basically just been amicable.
Hasn't treated her badly, but hasn't tried to develop a stronger relationship with her. They get along fine, but my wife does not act "motherly" toward her or have any kind of relationship at all. For the most part when my daughter is with us they simply coexist, and as such my daughter just doesn't see my wife as a parental figure.
I want to add another detail because some have accused me of being a bad husband. It's not related to the actual question, but directly related to me as a husband. Yes, we argue occasionally and sometimes our communication isn't great. It used to be worse but we've gotten much better over the years. I don't know a single couple who doesn't argue occasionally.
But nearly three years ago, a year before our wedding, we took in my wife's older sister who lived in our house for just shy of 12 months. She had been in an abusive relationship living in a city about 8 hours away. I offered our spare bedroom for a few months for her to get back on her feet, which turned into almost a year living with us rent free. I never asked for a single dollar.
Now, about 18 months after she moved out she is back living with us, rent free again and I still haven't asked for rent. I try to support my wife and her family as best I can because to be honest, over the years her mother has been more like a mother to me than my own.