'AITA for 'ruining' my sister's pregnancy announcement with my grief?'
"AITA for 'ruining' my sister's pregnancy announcement?"
For Context: Four months before all of this happened, I (24F) had to be induced and gave birth to my first and only child, my son (deceased), at 27 weeks because of a severe congenital heart defect. I had struggled to conceive for about a year.
My sister knew about all of it. I rarely talk about my son, my pregnancy, or my grief. Partly because it makes people uncomfortable, partly because I don’t like being pitied. But I still struggle with it every day.
So, my older sister and I already weren’t speaking after an argument in August involving her treatment of our grandmother and my estrangement from our mother. After that argument, I did apologize for my timing, not for anything I said because none of it was especially bad, personally attacking, or untrue, but she said she didn’t want to deal with me and would consider maintaining a superficial relationship.
I said I was not interested in moving on without addressing the things she said (she repeatedly personally attacked my grandmother, whom I consider a mom to me, my character, and much more) and that I was personally especially not interested in a superficial relationship.
Then, 3 weeks ago, she announced her pregnancy (7 weeks) in a group chat with my other 2 sisters and me, with an ultrasound and a message specifically calling out her baby’s strong heartbeat and ending with a blue heart emoji. I unfortunately proceeded to have a panic attack… at work, so I called my husband.
I didn't contact my sister because I didn't want anyone but my husband to see me in that state. After calming me down, he decided to call her himself. I did not ask him to do that, but he saw how hurt I was and wanted to help.
According to him, he congratulated her and started asking if she could please avoid heartbeat-related details with me because of what had happened to our son. He said she cut him off, called him immature, said it was inappropriate for him to call, yelled that he was sucking the joy out of her announcement, and hung up.
She then texted me that I could talk to her directly and not have my husband contact her on my behalf again. My response was: “I understand that your pregnancy is not about me, and I am genuinely happy for you. I would never expect you to minimize your happiness or your baby because I lost mine.”
But I followed it with: “But I do think what you did was incredibly selfish and insensitive. Sending me an ultrasound in a group chat out of nowhere and specifically saying that the heartbeat was strong, four months after I lost my son to a heart defect, was horrendous.
You should be ashamed of how little thought you gave to how that might affect me. There were a hundred gentler ways you could have told me and given me the chance to process it privately.”
I’m including my actual wording because I am not proud of my response; it wasn’t as gentle or as sensitive as I wish it had been. I was hurt, angry, and disturbed by how she spoke to my husband. I meant everything I said, and although I wish I'd delivered it differently, I stand by it.
I explained that I hadn’t sent my husband to speak for me, but that we would respect her request that he not contact her again. I ended that message with: “I am still happy for you, but I am also still grieving my son, and right now, I don’t want to talk about this any further. I need space from you”
She called, and I answered, but once the call connected, I said “Hello?” repeatedly for 30 seconds before disconnecting because she didn't respond. She then texted me and said, “If you want to talk, feel free to call me back and have a conversation. I will not be having these kinds of conversations over text messages.”
I responded with: “There really isn’t anything to talk about. I said what I needed to say, and I’m not looking to debate it or have a conversation about whether my feelings are justified.” She responded that there is actually much to talk about, and if I knew her, I would know she would never tell me my feelings weren’t justified, especially about something like this. She did not make any more attempts to call.
Then she sent: “If your goal was to suck all of the joy and happiness out of an announcement that I’ve dreamed of being able to make for over five years. Then congratulations, you achieved your goal.”
I replied that I had explicitly said I was happy for her and understood her pregnancy wasn’t about me. I explained that I’d had a grief reaction to the ultrasound and heartbeat details, not set out to ruin something for her. I also said that unless she wanted to acknowledge how it had been handled and apologize, I didn’t have anything else to say.
Her response was a string of 7 back-to-back messages starting with: “I’m not even going to bother to read this novel that you sent me, but I’m gonna stop you and say you made it entirely about you, so leave me alone already.” She said she had nothing to apologize for and, “When you handle five years of infertility to find out you’re pregnant, then we can have a conversation.”
( This confused me because, despite being close with her for the last few years up until recently, she had never mentioned anything about infertility. She had cancer approx. 10 years ago and was recommended to freeze her eggs then.
She could have just never mentioned the infertility to me, but up until that point I genuinely had no clue.) She said she’d had a heartbeat-confirmation appointment that day, which was why the message mentioned the heartbeat, and that she hoped I would look back and realize “how crazy you sound.”
And the one that hurt the most: “You’re allowed to be heartbroken. You’re allowed to have all the feelings in the world about the heartache that you went through, but that does not give you the right to make everybody else miserable with you.” And the very last message was a middle finger emoji.
But the part I cannot get past. I barely talk about my son. I’ve spent months trying not to make other people uncomfortable with my grief. Hearing my own sister tell me I’m making everybody miserable made me feel like even the little I do express is too much.
In the August argument, she said she was mad that I “Pushed her away” while I was going through the loss, but the second my grief slipped through the cracks and became inconvenient to her, I am making “everybody else fucking miserable” with me.
I eventually blocked her. I also sent a recording of the argument to my other sisters because I had previously stayed quiet after the conflict with our mother and ended up being blamed for disrupting the family. I told them I wasn’t asking them to take sides or be angry with her.
One wanted to stay out of it. The other said she had worried about me as soon as she saw the pregnancy announcement, before any argument happened. What makes this harder for me is that she had told our grandmother a week earlier and specifically expressed concern about how the news would affect me.
My grandmother told me about that conversation when I called her, still hysterically crying, after blocking my sister. So this wasn’t a situation where the possibility of me struggling with the announcement had never occurred to her.
I know saying she should be ashamed was harsh. I also know my husband’s call was unsolicited. But I wasn’t asking her not to celebrate her pregnancy. I just wish she had told me privately, and maybe not in the middle of a workday, so I could've had my initial reaction without an audience.
I don't think that there is any coming back from this on either side. She is telling people she will not attend family gatherings if I am there, and I don't see myself ever wanting a relationship with her after what she said.
I can understand saying things you do not mean out of anger, but to me, if she didn't mean it, then she was willing to use some of the most painful aspects of my life against me just because she was mad, and if she did actually mean it, then I am confronting the possibility that my sister genuinely views my grief and my character that way.
Like, I get that she is fully entitled to tell me my behavior hurt her, just as I did her, but IDK. AITA for telling her that the way she announced it was selfish and insensitive, and “ruining” her announcement?
Here's what commenters had to say.
NTA. you didn't ruin anything. Your sister knew exactly what she was doing. Personally I would never talk to her again ever. Good for you for standing your ground and telling her that you're done saying what you need to say and you're not talking to her anymore about it. She would just continue to rationalize and blame you and make herself the victim.
Your sister knew exactly what she was saying when she said it. What you said wasn’t hurtful and her reaction was so big and defensive I’m going to guess she does this more frequently in other ways. As a person with recurrent pregnancy loss, all I can say is this person is devoid of empathy and you should avoid interacting with her for your own mental well being. It won’t get better with her.
She ruined her own announcement by going for maximum impact to someone who had a SB. I believe in karma, and not to wish ill on her, but the universe has a fun way of making us eat our words down the road. NTA, but she sure is.
NTA. you didn't ruin anything. Your sister knew exactly what she was doing.
Personally I would never talk to her again ever. Good for you for standing your ground and telling her that you're done saying what you need to say and you're not talking to her anymore about it. She would just continue to rationalize and blame you and make herself the victim.
NTA. Your sister had considered how you might react a week beforehand. She could have told you privately first, giving you time to process the news without an audience. Instead, she chose a group setting and then criticized your reaction. She’s entitled to express that she felt hurt, but using your grief to attack your character crosses a line.